Reading week? I'll drink to that

What a cop-out this university mularky (?) is. This week is reading week - meaning????

Anyway I haven't read much but I have read......

1) A 3 week old Grazia
2) A 2 week old Grazia
3) My daughter's Mizz magazine (relatively recent edition)
4) My son's text messages - all from me (well, he deletes the incriminating ones)
5) Tesco's Italian Pinot Grigio/Pinot Bianco label on the back of the bottle.

Very interesting.

Where it says 'Guideline daily amounts for average adults' there is a little table that looks like this:

_____________Daily_____Daily
Women__2 - 3 units___14 units
Men_____3 - 4 units___21 units

Really it does. No mention of weekly units.

So if it's optional I'll opt for the 14 units a day as I'm nearly up to that speed already. I'm keeping the label for when I get schirrosis (or however the hell you spell it) of the liver and then I can sue the goddamned ass off Tesco.

Might as well finish the bottle now I've got it out.

Since I stopped smoking

which is, incidentally, 21 weeks ago tomorrow, I have had a weird thing happen. When I wake up, I'm wide awake. This never ever happend before which meant if I woke up at 8 I could doze off until 10, go to the loo then back to bed and sleep a bit longer. Bliss. But now if I wake up at 5, that's it I'm wide awake with no bloody chance of going back to sleep. And I wake up a lot at that time, and earlier, thanks to Jonathan who snores like a pig. I've never been great at getting to sleep when I go to bed, unless I'm hammered, and now I am permanently knackered due to this sleep deprivation and have no idea how to make it go away.

This morning I woke up and looked at the clock 11.14. Heaven. When I came downstairs I found out why. Jonathan, who has had a bad chest and can't breath since he stopped smoking, was asleep in the living room. Said he couldn't breath in the bedroom so came downstairs.

Is that my solution to a good nights sleep? Get rid of Jonathan - yipee. A half decent excuse at last.

On top of that we've both put weight on. I stopped smoking to have my spare skin cut off (my last scab fell off last week - woo hoo) and now its been replaced with extra fat - fucking great. I don't feel like I'm eating more but obviously I am. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

So will someone please explain how stopping smoking is good for you and makes you feel better. And exactly when we can look forward to all this happening?

Lots of things

Last week, on the 11th, I had my first exam for a bigillion years. Economics Awareness. Actually I quite enjoyed it - how sad. It was only an hour and a half. I remember them being 3 hours long, or am I imagining that? Anyway, what I simply couldn't believe was the number of folk that buggered off after half an hour! What's that all about? Just rude if you ask me. Only 90 minutes of your life. I'd have sat it out through simple good manners since the module leader and lecturer, who is a really, really nice bloke (even if he is from Birkenhead,) was the chief invigilator. I know I made some mistakes but I think I've passed. And that's all I was bothered about.

We also had to hand an essay in on the same day. Again it's the first essay I've had to do like forever - well since my 'O' levels anyway. And I think my effort was a load of bab. So moving swiftly on..........

I had to go for my hair cut in Leeds on Thursday afternoon so the Friday lunch lot did a Thursday lunch instead - and then we re-convened in the bar at 4.00 pm. Oops. Big mistake. Managed to get the 11.15 train and then was totally and utterly obnoxious to my GP for 22 minutes. Poor bloke - he didn't deserve that at all. I was not a well bunny when I woke up at 6 in the morning. And that's all I'm owning up to on here......... How many units of alcohol should I be having a week? Is a unit a bottle? On the bright side I haven't had anything to drink since.

And then I had a strange thing happen to me. I felt an urge to tidy up. Nothing too dramatic, just shoes and handbags. I filed all my shoes under 'ridiculously high and glittery' in my new see-through storage facilities. They look lovely. I took my handbags to a local dress agency and if they sell them I get 50% and if they sell them all I'll be minted. I'm also hugely embarrassed that getting rid of the handbags I don't want comes to a serious amount of dosh even after being skanked for 50%. I might even 'fess up to Jonathan about the one I bought yesterday and have sneaked in the house........

Happy New Year

I hope you all had a good Christmas. Mine wasn't too bad at all really. The egg mayonnaise sandwiches went down a treat and my liver is perfectly pickled in a cocktail of vodka and chablis.

However, whilst I have grudginly returned to Planet Reality, my brain hasn't arrived yet. I have essays to write. I have exams to revise for. I have 7-10 days to deliver the goods. For fuck's sake, how long will my brain be gone?

I really am too old for studying through the night in a panicky cold sweat fuelled by strong black coffee and pro plus (do students still do that these days or have they taken all the good stuff out of them?)

So if anyone finds my brain, please send it back to me asap.