39 plus vat

Well, bugger me!

2008-07-03T00:54:00.002+01:00

We got our results last week.

I got a 2.1 and I was quite pleased with that.

Jonathan got a 2.1 and I guess I was pleased with that.

I mean, can you imagine the grief and the snide comments and the one-upmanship I would have had to inflict on Jonathan if he hadn't got a 2.1 too!

But, just so you know, my average was higher than his.

Not that I'm bragging.....

It wasn't my fault

2008-06-21T22:16:00.003+01:00

Theo announced he wanted to go on holiday with his friends this year. I thought he was too young (at 16 and a half) and he has no common sense so we said it wasn't a very good idea but by way of a compromise we agreed to let him bring a friend on holiday with us.

So, we booked a week in Ibiza for the half term holiday. Jack was coming with us. We thought Ibiza was appropriate as my mum and dad had christened Theo and Jack 'Kevin and Perry' years ago when they were at primary school.

We went for 'bargain' rather than 'luxury' (or even 'ok') but I thought for a week it would be fine. Although we live about 5 miles from Leeds/Bradford airport we never ever seem to be able to get a flight from there, so we were flying from Newcastle.

We reckoned we'd need to leave our house at 7.00 to get there on time, but Jack turned up at 3.00 which made Theo fanny about a lot, which delayed me, which meant we didn't set off until 7.30, which was just about ok.

Except it wasn't cos some broke the A1, and the police were running round waving and making everyone do U-turns up the slip road. So, after touring through Co Durham without a clue where we were going, we missed the check in by about 3 minutes.

Which, rather annoyingly, was probably less than the time it took the car park man to tell me all about him losing his driving licence when he was a bus driver and had a crash with a police car and now he had his licence back and this was the only driving job he could get but he really enjoyed it although the hours could be a bit anti social and did my car have any bumps or scratches on it and the car park was less than a mile away so there should be no more than 2 additional miles on the clock when I collected it so he wouldn't be joy-riding around in it and would I sign for the mileage etc etc.

The up-shot being it cost another £350 for new flights the following day and £150 for 2 rooms for bed & beakfast for 5 at the Premier Inn (very nice actually - lovely comfy bed) and £16 for the taxi to take me to Tesco Extra to get some beer and wine to drown our sorrows.

So much for a cheap break.

Almost there

2008-05-15T18:54:00.002+01:00

One more exam to go tomorrow morning. Can't bloody wait. Had enough now.

Jonathan finished today - I'm a teeny bit jealous.

Small, cute, furry and very, very DEAD

2008-03-23T00:35:00.004Z

Ok, so it's been a gazillion years since I last blogged.

But I've been really, really busy with these exams (and other crappy stuff) which I did last Wednesday, then I had to do my getting-drunk-to-get-over-the-trauma for a day or two. And now I'm going to be wrapped up with the next pile of shite due in in 2 weeks.

But hey ho - let's go - as the Ramones once said.

Anyways - my life has been very typically my life and stuff has been going on. For example:

Ambulance came to our house for Ysabella last night - she's ok, but we were a bit scared by the massive lump on her head. I wouldn't have called an ambulance, just taken her to casualty but her friend dialled 999 and then they turned up. Had to do the decent thing and not drink, just in case she deteriorated and needed taking to hospital. She didn't. Lump receded thanks to frozen peas - and she didn't get any sense knocked into her. She ran into a railing. I can't believe it - she ran? Like, when did that ever happen before??

However, a funny thing happened on the way to the..........

It wasn't on the way to anywhere, it was when I got there. In the library, at uni.

There was Sarah and Nic and I doing a team meeting thingy in the library at Leeds Met. We'd finished our team meeting and they were getting ready to go, but I was staying on to so some Business Tax revision (yes, really.) So they were packing up and I got my Bus Tax file out and decided I would go for a fag before I got down to it, so decided to spread my stuff out to 'claim' my place. Once everything was arranged, I thought I'd take the important stuff with me (phone, memory stick and purse) when I popped outside. So, still chatting, I leant over to get these things and I looked down and screamed.

Now, I'm not squeamish but the sight of a small rodent slightly - no, mostly - dead, wedged IN my file did make me jump - a bit. But then I started to laugh.

So, everyone in the library fell silent and I was laughing like a hyena. I couldn't explain, just point. Eventually Sarah and Nic noticed and after a slight yelp they were laughing too. Some young blokes wandered over to see what was going on and one of them ran off screaming "it's a rat, it's a rat" - what a big BABY!

Anyway, after about 15 minutes, I regained my composure, wrapped it up like a badly wrapped boiled sweet in a piece of scrap paper and dumped it in the bin.

So I'd just like to thank my lovely black cat for the little pressie - oh yes, Houditoo (don't ask!) I know it was you.

I need HELP

2008-03-02T00:31:00.003Z

Anyone good with Quants? (Don't ask me what it means cos I don't know)

What I need to know is how I test for COLLINEARITY.

How do I know if I've got it?

I have done a regression analysis.

I have done a correlation analysis.

What I need to know is:

a) How I tested for collinearity, and
b) Have I got it

Willing to send results on if anyone can help.

I'm desperate.

And old.

And drunk.

List of crap excuses

2008-02-24T13:11:00.002Z

Here's why I haven't blogged for ages

1) I've been to 2 funerals this year

2) I've sat 2 exams - had to defer the third until Easter

3) I have a appalling timetable this semester which means I'm travelling for more hours than I'm being taught

4) I've been spending time with my friend Lynda Big-Lungs who is heartbroken (see 1) above)

5) The PC broke good and proper

6) Jonathan fixed it but I coudn't get on the net

7) It was Theo's 16th and Ysabella's 13th birthday

8) I got very drunk on a Friday, twice, so, to all intents and purposes, missed the Saturday, twice.

7) I'm a lazy cow and currently wallowing in misery (well, everyone needs a hobby.)

Yoo Hoo

2008-01-07T22:03:00.000Z

I'm here.

A belated Happy New Year, and I hope you had a good Christmas.

So what are my excuses? What have I been up to? No excuses and not a lot really. I was poorly, then there was Christmas, and the kids were off and we needed to revise for exams that started TODAY, and Jonathan's dad died and it was just life (and death) getting in the way of other life stuff.

I even had to sub-contract the writing of Christmas cards - to Ysabella. She skanked me for £5 - but I was getting desperate. I'd have paid more - but don't tell her that.

I haven't had to chance to keep up with everyone else's blogs, and I don't have the time to read back thru 2+ months so I'll just have to jump in and hope I keep up.

Got the funeral on Friday - great timing cos it's the same day as my business taxation exam, so I've got to defer it until Easter. As my feelings towards Jonathan's dad were pretty well known I don't feel a need to add anything on the subject really. It'll be weird seeing my sister- and brother-in law after 7 years. And Theo and Ysabella couldn't even remember their cousins names. Oh what a happy reunion it will be.

What more can I say, erm, I actually liked all my presents this (last?) Christmas, so thank you to everyone x x.

My second favourite present was a mug from 'you-know-who-you-are' which said 'Queen of Fucking Everything'.

And I think that just about sums me up.

Fastest finger first

2007-10-29T15:25:00.000Z

Ok, so it's not to win a million quid, but I'm impressed by the speed of some people.

I get emails from SeeFilmFirst offering freebie tickets to preview showings of some films. Everytime I try to get free tickets they have all gone for the closest cinema.

But today, well I really thought I was in with a chance.

There was an email, time arrived 15.16, time sent 15.12, and it was 15.17. Even more exciting, it was a film I wouldn't mind seeing.

My speedy fingers quickly called up the website, I entered the special code and.....................

all the tickets had gone.

It was 15.18.

Gosh, they're quick in Bradford.

You know who you are

2007-10-25T00:32:00.000+01:00

He knows who he is came round on Monday night for a Chinese and a small sweet sherry (take-out, in case you have any weird idea I cooked.)

You haven't blogged for a while, says he.

Which is true.

Partly because I have done absolutely nothing exciting.

Partly because I am absolutely knackered.

I can't be arsed to go out on an evening. For some bizarre reason it has finally dawned on me that wine is much cheaper when drunk at home. And I am really not liking this smoking ban one bit - even though one of my regular pubs has been non-smoking 18+ months, but now it's the law it's just that bit more annoying.

I keep going for a snooze from 5 ish until 6 ish beacuse I simply cannot keep my eyes open. How sad, and old, is that? Going back to uni has really knocked me out. Hell, I even have to go in FOUR days this semester. It's a nightmare.

I've barely been on the internet - not even eBay. Not even to buy a handbag. That proves how out of kilter I am.

So, for those friends who - despite some of them living within a few miles of me - rely on my blog to keep them informed of my recent activities, here's a list of what I've been up to over the last month or so:

1)

Brewery? Piss up?

2007-10-01T23:34:00.000+01:00

Well if you're Leeds Metropolitan University it's highly unlikely that you would ever manage to organise one.

Today was our first day back for lectures. Someone in charge decided it would be a mighty grand idea for us to submit our module electives by 31st March (ie 6 months AGO, not in 6 months time) so that 'they' could decide the timetables and let us know where we should be and when.

The last 4 times we have had a new timetable we've have been given the times for lectures and tutorials for each subject less than one week before semesters started, and then we decided where we were going to be and when.

And it worked.

So now they have had our requirements for 6 months. Do I have a timetable? No. Does Jonathan have a timetable? No. Does anybody else on our particular degree course have a timetable? Do they fuck.

Actually that's not 100% true. I do have one subject on my personal timetable. But there's a slight problem. I'm not doing that subject.

Given that our bit of the uni, the Faculty of Business and Law, has such great modules on offer such as 'Management of Change', 'Business Strategy', Business Decision Making' and - a particular favourite of mine - 'Innovation and Change' it would be really nice if they practiced what they preached, but they don't.

So Jonathan and I have planned our own timetables and are going to turn up according to that and if they don't like it they can all bugger off.

So there.

I'm at that 'Difficult Age'

2007-09-21T19:29:00.000+01:00

Well my birthday was ok-ish. There was an incident which went some way towards spoiling the evening. I'll just say 2 words 'Theo' and 'trouble' and leave it at that.

But since my birthday - well, how shit is the weather? It's so bloody cold. And this brought up something I was hoping I wouldn't have to think about.

When we go back to uni on the 1st October I will need to use public transport more often than the odd occasion (when I go into Leeds to get drunk.) This is due to car parking on the Headingley campus having had a major revamp, ie there's no parking for students any more except for about 3 spaces, and also I have some subjects that'll take place in one of the Leeds city centre sites.

And this has brought up a problem. for the last million years (ok - about 7) I have managed to work/shop/be a student where I can park my car pretty close by. So I have survived the last 7 years making do with cardigan/scarf/glove/umbrella combos to get me through the cold and wet weather.

But now I will need to get to and from the train station, or bus stops, or even the outskirts of Edinburgh (which is probably the closest I'll be able to park to the Headingley campus.) And given how cold it is already, what the hell is it going to be like in November?

So, I need a coat. I'm not a coat person. I think they're uncomfortable and cumbersome. And a lot of them are simply ugly. But I think I actually need one for this coming autumn/winter. So I have been looking at coats.

I scouted through loads of 'stores' online for ideas about the shapes and varieties that are in the shops now and there were some that I thought were OK. And then I went into Leeds to 'try some on'. Bloody nightmare. The ones I liked just did not like me. The ones I didn't like looked equally awful.

The one I liked best for comfort and fit was in M&S and was a shiny black down filled knee length puffa coat with fur trim round the hood. Until I looked in the mirror. Oh my GAWD. Did I look a twat or what.

And that's the problem really. My head and heart want young and trendy shiny metallic parkas and the new 'bubble' shape, but my reflection in the mirror is telling me I need a camel 3/4 length car coat or a dull red lightly padded quilted anorak.

As a 49 year old student, I really am at that difficult age.

Poor old bugger

2007-09-09T23:05:00.000+01:00

It's my birthday tomorrow.

I shall be very, very old. But not as old as Jonathan. And not old enough to get unsolicited mail from SAGA or insurance companies offering special deals for the over 50s.

But I shall still be old. And wrinkly. And grey. (So why do I still get the occasional zit?)

So please will someone tell me when I will be grown up enough to realise how totally stupid I must look walking through Leeds pissed at 6 in the evening.

Divine decadence

2007-08-21T11:02:00.000+01:00

Got back from holiday just over a week ago to a horrible mess in Theo's bedroom caused by a water leak. From the stinky horrible smell and the fact that we only had damage in one room, I now have a better idea of just how horrible a situation the poor folk are in who have suffered real water damage in the recent floods.

Well I was a bit fed up with that, and Hennie was a bit fed up too. So we went out for lunch last Saturday.

It was a long lunch - we left home just after midday and got back to the Queens at 10.30.

In that time we went to Piccolino's (or however you spell it) and had a nice starter, a nice pasta main course - and 2 bottles of wine.

Then we walked up to Shuh to get some trainers for John, and then we went straight to Anthony's Patisserie where we shared an afternoon tea but had a champagne cocktail each.

Then Hennie really wanted me to see The Restaurant, Bar & Grill on City Square which I hadn't been to yet, so we went down there via the Ted Baker's where I bought what Jonathan is getting me for my birthday. (It's a handbag - but don't tell him I know what it is or it will spoil the surprise!)

So we got to the Restaurant, Bar & Grill and I thought they'd made quite a good job of the old Post Office. So we had a bottle of champagne.

Then we had another.

Then we had another.

And then we decided we should go for the train, and we got back to Burley about 10.25, making it to the Queens (which is run by Hennie's partner) about 10.30 thanks to Jonathan picking us up from the station.

So, to celebrate, we had another bottle of champagne.

We were a bit drunk - but much to Jonathan's annoyance I had absolutely no hangover the following day.

Must do it again sometime..........

Believe it or not

2007-07-21T21:43:00.000+01:00

Some amazing things have happened since I last blogged.

1) We got our exam results and my average was much higher than Jonathan's - but then I guess that's not so much amazing as to be expected. I did better in some than others, but overall I was pleased. My highest mark was 94 and my lowest was 52.

2) We have tidied the house. No really, we have. And guess what - there is some work surface in our kitchen. Still have no interest in cooking, but at least I would have the room to do it now. The local school has received masses of kids books and videos (yes, they still use them,) loads went to charidee and there was also a large amount of rubbish deposited at the local tip.

3) We had our annual barbecue. The first guests arrived about 3.45 pm - and so did the sun, it continued to be fine, dry and reasonably warm all the way through until 2.30 am when the last people left. Just goes to prove that the sun does indeed shine on the righteous.

4) Theo has got a job - so at least we have one member of the family working. He is washing pots at a local cafe/bistro two nights a week. We went there for lunch today and I can highly recommend it, Buon Apps in Otley. Ask me if you'd like directions.

5) The kids broke up from school 33 hours ago and I haven't wanted to stab either of them yet. And long may that last.

And, most amazing of all:

6) The house is still tidy two weeks later.

I have a pizza wheel

2007-07-07T01:08:00.000+01:00

I'm a bit pissed and this is taking a lot of effort.

Anyways I have a pizza wheel but.......

If. on the very rare occaaion I stuff a frozen pizza (if you knew how much effort I'm putting into typing this you;d be impressed, I a having to go bakc and retype every bloody word cos my fingers are either not pressinghard enough or are pressing a bgillion keys a once) into the oven , then I cut up it with wallpaper scissors.

I do have a pizza wheel but cutting pizza with it is simply fuifcking stupid cos it ends up dragging mozzerella cheese everywhere.

So I use scissors for pizza.

And this is a source of amusement to some of y friends.

But I do have a p[ix=zza wheel.

And when it comes to chopping fresh herbs its fucking brilliant.

So why is it so shit fr pizza?

And why do my friends laugh at my alternative use of implementmentds?

Same old, same old

2007-06-28T19:21:00.000+01:00

Life's been very mundane recently, don't get me wrong, it's not been horrible or anything, but it hasn't been exciting.

Went for a sleepover to my sister's on Monday driving through all that hideous torrential rain and roads that were more like rivers in places. amazingly, when I turned on to the A66 at Scotch Corner - no rain! Was greeted at the door by Charlotte and baby - my nephew is so yummy. We went shopping on Tuesday and I bought a dress at Matalan and then I took her out for lunch, Burger King - well, there's not a lot of choice in Carlisle.

When I arrived home on Tuesday, Jonathan was quite excited cos his telescope had arrived (my present to him for his birthday in October but he's only just decided on the one he wanted.) Of course, since then it's been thick cloud and no star-gazing has happened.

Wednesday, tried to get to Leeds. No trains again due to flooding. We did go out for dinner last night to the Queens which was lovely. Especially as the kids didn't want to come.

The highlight of my day today was microwaving a lasagne for Ysabella and then scraping every last bit of that horrible white sauce off before she'll eat it.

Well, I've got to make my own entertainment.

Sending out an SOS

2007-06-18T15:31:00.000+01:00

Ysabella's just come home from school and tried to comandeer the TV as per usual.

Jonathan was already watching the telly and put up an almightly fight cos he was already 'in the middle of watching something' and, for once, he won.

I've just heard him tittering away and gone to investigate what programme was so worth fighting for.

It's The Chuckle Brothers.

Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

A sandwich short of a full picnic

2007-06-16T18:28:00.001+01:00

I fed the fish this morning, like I do every other day. I had a little chat with it too, like I do every other day.

This afternoon I went to Otley to see about a ring I'm supposed to be having made, it hasn't progressed any since last September so I was not a happy bunny. And then I went to the cobblers to drop some shoes off to repair. It had closed early at 3. Now I was really grumpy.

Ysabella had gone into the pet shop opposite the cobblers to look round, so I went in to find her.

'Can we have a gerbil? Can we have a rat? Can we have a rabbit?'

'No we can't, we've got enough pets.'

'Well, can we have a couple of goldfish then?'

'We've got one already.'

'No we haven't, it died.'

'Don't be stupid, I fed it this morning.'

'It died, I flushed it down the toilet - about 3 weeks ago when you and dad were at the quiz. I meant to tell you. Did I forget?'

Yes, she had forgotten - but more worryingly I have been talking to an empty fish tank - and feeding it regularly.

So, I'm definitely thinking I'm a sandwich short of a full picnic.

Or a fish short of an aquarium.

Apathy rules.....

2007-06-13T13:02:00.000+01:00

yeah, whatever.

Can't we just tell that I'm doing bugger all at the moment.

I've nothing to blog about unless you're particularly interested in me catching up with those sewing jobs that having been hanging aroung for months - nay, years in some cases! As of this morning Ysabella has a full complement of belt loops on one of her school skirts.

I have also managed to persuade the family to go through our huge video collection (yes, videos, remember them?) and as a result I have one box that can 'go' (but where?) and another box for watching one more time before they can 'go'. So that took up, ooooh, almost an hour.

I can't even be bothered to go out in the evening. It's much easier to slob around at home.

Yet, somehow, I have managed to spend a fortune these last 4 weeks, which makes Jonathan very crabby. But at least I have some new shrubs for the back garden and a most necessary sunlounger, which is sat there getting wet at the moment.

Right must get back to doing nothing, this is wearing me out.

Preoccupied

2007-06-07T00:20:00.000+01:00

Had my mind on other things lately.

Scotty's sister rang me and asked if I wanted to speak at his funeral. ME! I found the whole idea very scary but I wrote something down and the man conducting the ceremony said he'd read what I'd written if I wasn't up to it.

I really didn't think I could manage it. So I told Brian, the man, that he'd have to read it.

When it came down to it no-one apart from this Brian - who was, no disrespect, the hired hand and had never met John - was getting up to speak.

I didn't think that was right, I mean I could understand his family was too upset to speak. And given that half the people there were over emotional Scotty looky-likey homosexuals who were sobbing loudly and visibly shaking and clearly in no fit state to say anything, I got up and said my bit because someone, who knew him and loved him, had to.

I'm glad I did. For John.

Absent friends

2007-05-28T23:47:00.000+01:00

Haven't heard from Kevin for ages but he rang me on Wednesday evening to tell me that Scotty had died that morning.

He died, unexpectedly, from a pulmonary embolism.

I was shocked, and heartbroken, and angry, and upset, and all the other stuff that people feel at times like this.

But then Jonathan and I spent a lot of time over the next few evenings remembering Scotty. And there was a lot to remember.

Scotty brought a massive amount of fun to our lives. He was also a moody bugger, who was a total law unto himself. But he was a lovely, kind, and generous man and that's why he was godfather to both our kids. Last time I spoke to him was when I rang him to invite him to our Silver Wedding do, but he was busy and couldn't (or wouldn't - one never quite knew) come.

There are so many anecdotes I could bore you with, but I won't. But one period I will always remember fondly was our Sunday breakfast club. Scotty, or Jonathan and I, would make a huge breakfast, or, better still we would go to the Lakeside Cafe in Roundhay Park.

Debbie and I would walk up to the shop, buy the papers and walk down to the cafe, Jonathan would walk the direct route and Scotty would drive up - fashionably late. And then we'd have a full English overlooking the lake, on the terrace in good weather, inside if not. After breakfast we'd often do something totally stupid like the time we drove to Bradford to see the key locations for the film Rita, Sue and Bob Too, when Scotty screeched to a halt and made us take a photo of him outside Luna Cars. Ok, so you had to be there - but it was funny at the time.

We'll miss you John Anthony Scott x x

Hoping for success like this

2007-05-22T15:39:00.000+01:00

.......in my exams.

2,921,196 - what skill, what talent.

But then I put more effort into SpongeBob Collapse than I do for my uni stuff.

Well, you wanted to know

2007-05-16T14:31:00.002+01:00

OK. Possibly most people couldn't give a toss, but Ruth asked about my exams, so here you go.

I'm doing a BA (Hons) degree in Business. I'm at the end of my second year and this is the semester 2 exams and assignment period. One more year to go!

I've already handed in 2 written assignments and done one group presentation, and then I had 3 exams.

My exams are/were in:

Management Accounting (that's the one I left early yesterday)
Financial Reporting (that's on Friday afternoon)
Business Decision Making (this was on Monday, there was a written assignment for this too - this subject is a stupid pile of crap which enables a bunch of work-shy academics avoid having to get a job in the real world)

I hate - and am absolutely hopeless at - the written assignments cos I am incapable of stringing more than 10 words together. And when you're not allowed to swear - well, that completely stuffs me up.

And that is why I am opting out of a dissertation next year.

Exams start today

2007-05-14T14:30:00.000+01:00

How crap is that?

Have I done much work for them? Have I bollocks!

Am I panicking? Erm, no.

Oh well, here goes.......

Holy cow!

2007-05-08T00:45:00.000+01:00

Well there I was, just after 11.30, sat watching the telly after a shower in my nightie and dressing gown. Most Haunted to be precise - but don't make assumptions, there was bugger all else on the box.

My mobile rang. It was Hennie. I stupidly assumed he'd be wanting a lift to uni tomorrow. I answered and he whispered "Look out of the window, there's a cow outside your house."

And bugger me - so there was.

Now I know we live in a 'village' probably defined as this cos it was once, but there are lots of houses. And we live slap bang in the middle of a new-ish housing estate.

Of course I had to run out straight away, and apart from nipping back in to get a coat and collect my cigs, we've spent the last 75 minutes running round the village chasing the cow, being chased by the cow, losing the cow, finding the cow, cowering from the cow, until finally it got back on to the main street and wandered towards the roundabout at the end of the village. Suprisingly, there is a cow farm on the roundabout too.

We decided it had now become a bit late, cold and boring - and the bloody thing was getting to be a long way away too - and I had no knickers on. So, cool as you like, Hennie and I said goodnight and went our separate ways. Still, it was fun while it lasted.

Thanks Henners x

They're not buried under the patio

2007-05-05T12:54:00.000+01:00

they've both gone for sleepovers, which left Jonathan and I to DO WHATEVER WE WANTED for the night.

This happened a while back and we were so disorganised that our plans to escape the village for the night were totally thwarted (great word!) and we ended up at the usual 2 pubs at the end of the road. I mean, we did have a very good (and drunken) night, it's just that we didn't get very far.

So, last night we had had a bit more notice that we were getting rid of both little darlings. Not that this helped in the slightest, cos we were still 'discussing' where to go at 7.30. Eventually, we decided to go to Korks in Otley for dinner. Despite being in Otley, the food is great, the ambience is great, we know the owner and, all being well, we could get back to Burley for last orders.

Walking up towards the bus stop, we watched as it sailed by. Bugger. So we called in the teeny, tiny pub opposite the stop to down a swift drink before the next bus.

When we returned to the stop, I thought it might be a good idea to book a table so I rang Korks. FULL - what?? How dare you bugger up our plans like that! I did consider ringing Chris (the owner) on his mobile to ask if he could squeeze us in, but thought that might be a bit cheeky.

So we decided to stay in Burley and go to the Queens for dinner. As we walked down, I gave them a ring. 'Sorry we're full.' WHAT THE F**K?? I really felt like saying 'Do you know who this is?' but thought maybe I wasn't quite A-list enough to pull that one, so, cheeky or not, I text Hennie (joint owner) and whinged to him.

'Give me 10 minutes, then come down,' he said. So we did, and had a lovely dinner - as usual (you really must try the Queens Head in Burley in Wharfedale, if you want the number to book a table just ask me).

Proving once again, it's not what you know, it's who you know.

Thanks Henners x x

Pain in the arse

2007-04-29T18:08:00.000+01:00

On Saturday morning Ysabella announced the PC wasn't working.

She wasn't wrong. It was totally and utterly f**ked.

Everything lost. Everything. Photos, iTunes, oh shit - just remembered, my clues to my bank account passwords were there too.

But most importantly for me - at the moment - my uni stuff. Very handy for all this to happen at this time when my first assignment is on Thursday and the rest of my exams start in 2 weeks.

Now, I do copy my uni stuff to my flash drive regularly - but not regularly enough apparently as I have loads of stuff I need to redo just to get me where I was cos I last did it Wednesday night so have lost 2 days worth. Lets hope I've learned my lesson and remember to copy it every night.

It took Jonathan until 5.30 tonight to get it all sorted and working. That's virtually 2 days out of commission, 2 days behind schedule plus the 2 days stuff I need to redo.

And that's virtually 2 days of 'items' I'm 'watching' on eBay that have passed me by.

Been busy revising

2007-04-22T16:04:00.000+01:00

....yeah, right!

Just been too bloody lazy to log on this week. Haven't read anyone else's blog either, so I'll need to catch up there.

Yesterday my sister abandoned her 16 week old baby to come and visit us. My, my, how times have changed.

In the olden (ie pre her having a baby) days we'd have gone out early, having consumed a bottle or 2 of wine beforehand, and got hammered, and some how managed to wake up at my house without the slightest clue as to how we got there.

Last night we didn't leave the house until 9. Jonathan gave us a lift to Ilkley cos Charlotte got quite excited when she found out they had a new Pizza Express there (she really DOES need to get out more). We had a reasonably civilised pizza and 2 bottles of wine and a sticking plaster - in that lovely catering blue - for the blister on my little toe.

By the time we'd finished it was about 10.20 so we had to leg it out of there and get a taxi back to Burley so we could get to the Queens Head as it was their 1st birthday celebration. Another (complimentary - cheers John x x) bottle of wine in there and a couple of their famous snowballs later and I woke up this morning at home without the slightest clue as to how I got there.

But then I found out that Charlotte had done a sick. Apparently she blamed the hugely alcoholic snowball. Nothing to do with the 5 bottles of wine we'd shared then? She also told me that I'd walked home without my shoes on cos my plaster fell off. So that's why my feet were filthy! There was I thinking it was time that Jonathan dug the vacuum out again.

Charlotte was feeling a bit delicate this morning. That didn't worry me too much. But she said something that I have never heard her say before, and that scared me a lot. She said, 'I'm never drinking again.'

Indeed, times HAVE changed.

Back home.....

2007-04-14T21:49:00.000+01:00

And it's a bloody heatwave. How typical is that! I took advantage of the fine weather and emptied four suitcases all over the back garden. Then I lost interest once I had piled all my cheap fags up and admired the size of my stash, so Jonathan had to scoop it all back up and bring it in again. I couldn't see why I couldn't leave it there all night.

Now I have to make a claim on the travel insurance. What joy! Theo managed to lose his mobile phone (mind you he has had it since Christmas so that's a long time for him) in a 15 minute taxi ride from Santa Ponsa. Although I must say it didn't take whoever found it very long to whip the Sim card out so that it went from being unanswered to being unavailable. Well, skanky bastard, I hope it explodes in your ear.

Currently on my 3rd load of washing with another 4 or so to go.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise for the inevitable downpour that will happen tomorrow.........

.....approximately 10 seconds after I have pegged the washing out.

Brass monkey weather

2007-04-11T11:36:00.000+01:00

Huh! On holiday in Majorca. It´s bloody freezing. The kids are revolting. Jonathan´s a miserable old git. I haven´t got pissed once.

Still I´ve bought lots and lots of cheap cigarettes so it´s not all bad.

Up the junction

2007-03-31T14:31:00.000+01:00

Went out in Otley last night. The first time for ages. There was just Mad Jane and I to start with, but Lynda Big-Lungs joined us later.

It really is a horrible place to be, so we decided we'd try a new bar for a change - can't even remember what it's called but it was full of kids. So then we were at a bit of a loose end as to where to go next.

So we went to the Junction. Now I have slated this a bit lately and now I have to retract (some of) what I have said.

It wasn't too bad in there at all, there were quite a few people I knew. Not everyone had beards or revolting jumpers. AND some people had recently been near water and deodorant. And my cider was lovely and cold and dry. I might even go there again.

When I'm really desperate.

Tagged or what?

2007-03-25T20:16:00.000+01:00

MKWM (http://www.mkwm.blogspot.com/) has tagged me. I'm a tag virgin so I guess I attack the questions and then lumber someone else with them. Here goes.

Three Things That Scare Me:

1. Having to go to the funeral of either of my children.
2. Spiders. Yes I know I'm bigger and they're probably more frightened of me. But trust me, head to head, I'm the most scared.
3. Heights. In my mind there are 2 categories of height. Horrible injury and certain death. I can just about cope with certain death, it's the horrible injury that freaks me out.

Three People Who Make Me Laugh:

1. Mike Wright, he is by far the funniest person I have ever met.
2. Jeremy Clarkson (I think it's a middle-aged woman thing).
3. My youngest sister Charlotte, but she can make me cry too.

Three Things I Love:

1. My family.
2. Handbags - they always fit.
3. Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

Three Things I Hate:

1. Celery.
2. BO and halitosis.
3. My father-in-law (something I'm not proud of, but it's true).

Three Things I Don't Understand:

1. The attraction of taking drugs.
2. Why I will never be thin.
3. Anything Jonathan says - especially when he tries to add his version of reasoning.

Three Things On My Desk:

I only have a home desk and it's shared with all the family:

1. A pair of old sunglasses and an empty Coke can (thank you Theo).
2. A lamp that isn't plugged in.
3. My file for Financial Reporting and Management Accounting - open so I can pretend I'm doing 'something for uni' when I'm really doing this.

Three Things I'm Doing Right Now:

1. Mediating - between the kids
2. Trying to ignore the television. Ysabella's watching Mr Bean, which I hate with a vengence.
3. Overheating. Is it my age, the heating, or because it's Spring now the clocks have changed.

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

1. See my grandchildren.
2. Go to Alaska/Canada.
3. Please myself for a whole week. Without having to consider one person at all. And preferably before I'm too old to appreciate it.

Three Things I Can Do:

1. Drive well (but doesn't everybody think they can do that?)
2. Text for Britain. I have a demon left thumb and I probably have a pretty high wpm count.
3. Throw a decent barbecue - with a little help from the rest of the family.

Three Things I Can't Do:

1. Ice skate - but then why would I want to?
2. Get my legs over my head. I used to be able to but I can't any more.
3. Light a barbecue - that's why I have to keep Jonathan.

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To:

1. Your heart.
2. My sister sing - she's not at all bad really for a soprano. Look out for her appearing near you, her name is Sarah Estill, tell her I sent you.
3. Me.

Three Things I'd Like To Learn:

1. To ride a motorbike.
2. How to be a great parent.
3. How to lose weight and keep it OFF.

Three Favourite Foods:

1. Salad, especially a great Chicken Caesar Salad - but NO celery, ever.
2. Fruit. I eat shit loads of the stuff most days. Don't like pears though and apples and oranges are boring. Having a big mango thing at the moment.
3. Pasta, but I rarely eat it these days.

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid:

1. Blue Peter, of course.
2. Andy Pandy.
3. I love Lucy.

Three things you should never listen to:

1. A baby crying for a cuddle - just pick the wee thing up and enjoy.
2. My daughter when she is in Queen Bitch mode.
3. Anything by the Smiths or Morrisey

Three Wonderful People to Inflict My Meme On:

I was going to choose The Gothster (http://spanishgoth.blogspot.com/) for his sympathy regarding my recent night 'out' in Bingley but Drama Queen got him, so......

1. Tired Dad (http://tireddad2.blogspot.com/) because he needs to remember life before kids.
2. I shall also pick on f:lux (http://fluxpix.blogspot.com/) too cos she has the decency to not put celery in ratatouille
3. And why not Mr Farty (http://betterootthanin.blogspot.com/) because I'm pleased he vents his wind in Scotland and not round these parts.

What the F***?!?!

2007-03-16T12:31:00.000Z

What the hell is happening to my friends?

It's Cheltenham Week (in case you don't know) and Paul takes the week off to indulge in a spot of watching the gee-gees and the odd 50p each way bet (or something). On Wednesday Ian came up from Nottingham to play with Paul, and in the pub that night he told me that he doesn't drink through the week any more. What?? At least he's got the decency to still smoke full strength cigs.

And then that ridiculous trip to the cinema with Andrea-the-Viking.

On Saturday night Lynda Four-Wheeldrive is having a do for her birthday. A girls' night IN. Did I read that invite correctly? Oh yes. Apparently there will be food, drinks and a jewellery party. On a Saturday? Night? Help meeeeeeeeeeee. These things are bad enough on a Tuesday night - but at the weekend?

Worse still she lives in Bingley so I'll have to drive over the Moors and it's a shit road, and a well known PAR (Police Avoidance Route) so I will not even be having one teeny weeny glass of wine so I can handle the bends and the piss-heads on the drive back. So I'll have to stay up until 4 in the morning to catch up on the wine I will no doubtedly miss out on.

Paul's also loved-up with Angela, (it's her birthday tomorrow - happy birthday Angela) so he's gone from being a reliable boozing buddy to a boring old fart. (Yes, YOU!)

Of course there's always Mad Jane, but going out with her is always ruled by one thing, and that is really getting on my nerves now. Note to MJ, they are all crap, a right waste of space, and mostly married. Forget them and find someone new (and unmarried).

Oh yes!!!!!

2007-03-08T14:38:00.000Z

2,721,342

What a talent!

Wasn't it pretty?

2007-03-04T00:43:00.000Z

The lunar eclipse, that is.

March already, how bloody scary. I can barely remember it's 2007, I'm sticking a bit on 2002.

So what have I been doing these last few days? Well drinking too much wine, and then sleeping it off, mostly. Did the Friday lunch thang, then came home and had a small nap - for 4 1/2 hours!

I went to the cinema on Wednesday. I hate going to the cinema, but Andrea-the-Viking made me go. We usually go out to get pissed but this time she insisted on the cinema. When we were having a pre-show pile of pasta she said 'Do you know, the last time we went to the cinema was to see The Full Monty!' I said 'Well that's cos I hate going to the cinema, why do we have to go?' Andrea-the-Viking is obviously an even more boring old fart than me cos she said 'I thought we should do something different cos usually we just go out and get pissed.'

And what's wrong with that? If we hadn't been going out and getting pissed in Otley and then hijacking some poor unsuspecting passenger and 'sharing' his taxi to Ilkley, she would never have met her husband in the dive of all dives - the Trav (RIP).

So there I was in a sulky mood cos not only did I have to do the sitting still for an eternity in the dark, but I was too weak-willed to avoid the carb-ladened pasta. And then we made our way to the cinema.

We were in screen 7. For those of you unfamiliar to the Vue in Leeds Light there is the reception area with some screens, and then escalators and a lift up to a sort of half way floor. The lift stops here but there are 2 separate escalators up to the next level where the screens are. And they were both going down. So I had to walk up a flight of stairs. Not exactly a tragedy, but with my manky knee it was pretty painful.

When I got to the top I rather ungraciously said the the ticket collecting girl 'How hilarious that BOTH escalators are going down - how great when you've got a cartilage-free knee.'

When we came out both escalators were switched OFF. And walking down stairs is no easier for me at the moment. I was bloody seething. In fact it's only today, 3 days later, that my unmanky knee has stopped hurting cos I think I strained the muscles in my 'good' leg. I hate this getting old and everything dropping to bits.

Anyway, I've learnt my lesson and next time I go out with Andrea-the-Viking we are getting pissed whether she likes it or not.

Further evidence

2007-02-26T12:28:00.000Z

Tippler asked if I'd found my marbles, well no. And this morning I realised there is sod all chance of ever getting them back.

I like black clothes. For all the usual reasons. This morning while getting dressed I decided to wear a black skirt and black long-sleeved t-shirt. I got dressed and then managed to dribble on my t-shirt. So I went upstairs to change my top.

I decided to stick with the long-sleeved black t-shirt thing and pulled another one out of my wardrobe. It was identical to the one I'd just put in the wash. So I put that back and remembered I had a new long-sleeved black t-shirt, so I thought I'd wear that for a change.

It was bloody identical too. Same make, size, colour. I'm nothing if not consistent.

Now I certainly didn't intend, or even know, I'd bought three the same. So I'd obviously gone in the shop seen the t-shirt, and thought, that's ok, I'll have that. Three times. I'd better start being nice to my kids.

They'll be choosing my old people's home sooner rather than later.

LOST: marbles - reward for return

2007-02-19T23:21:00.000Z

Every night I have a shower. Every night I have (at least) a glass of wine.

Occasionally I have a bath. When I have a bath, I have a glass of wine while I'm soaking.

But please explain why tonight I had a shower and a glass of wine - at the same time. Well at least I tried to, but not intentionally. I stepped in the shower while holding my wine and I ended up covered in watered down rose. Hmmm.

And yes, sadly, I did drink the watered down remnants that were still in my glass.

In case you think I have run out of birthdays I haven't, but have got bored with that line of blogging, so for those that may feel left out here are the birthdays for the next 2 weeks:

Matthew (Andrea-the-Viking's 'little' boy - he's 6'2") - 15 today (19/2)
Katie (my God-daughter) - 6 on 24/2
My mummy (sorry, you won't get away with 39 any more) - 72 on 24/2
Anthony (I went to his 40th last year) - 35 on 5/3 (yes, I'm lying)

and for those I missed in January

Sarah (my very gifted opera-singing sister) - 38 on 3/1
Caspar (my cute as a button nephew) - newly arrived on 3/1
Hateful Harry (Jonathan's 'father') - 487 on 16/1 (well he looks it)

Oh, and I missed the rather magnificently named Hendrik le Roux's birthday which was 1/2, and he's 20 something and currently on holiday in Lanzarote, which makes me jealous (both being 20 something AND being on holiday). I then have a birthday 'holiday' until Sophie's on May 29th.

Hooo-bloody-ray.

Happy birthday Ysabella

2007-02-16T15:26:00.000Z

It's my little girl's birthday today. She's 12. I can't believe how fast the time has flown. I can remember so many things about the day she was born so clearly.

I didn't want to know the sex of either of my babies but found out both times before they were born, by accident.

I was just about to have my first baby dragged out of my guts when the doctor, who had his hands groping around in my stomach, said something like 'He's very big'. To which the senior doctor, with a cross face, said 'The mother didn't want to know the sex of her child before the birth'. Ok, it was literally seconds before he emerged, so that wasn't too bad, but it was a bit careless on the junior doctor's part.

After my emergency caesarian with Theo, I had a planned c. section with Ysabella. There was another lady in the bed next to me as we waited to go into theatre. We were both strapped up having our babies' heartbeats monitored. She knew she was having a girl. I knew that in the 'olden days' one way they told the sex of a baby was it's heart rate. I don't know which way round it is but one sex has a significantly higher heart rate than the other. Our babies' heart rates were identical, therefore I knew I was having a girl about 4 or 5 hours before she was born.

My sister wanted to know so she could decorate the nursery accordingly - and because she doesn't like surprises. (Although she was quite surprised to find out she was pregnant in the first place!) So, knowing she was having a boy she decorated the nursery pale green with a giraffe theme to accommodate her massive giraffe collection. Erm, wouldn't that have been suitable for a girl too?

A friend of mine wanted to know the sex of her baby as soon as possible. She was having a boy, and within days they had chosen a name, Mark. She used to say things like 'When Mark comes' and When Mark arrives' and it sounded more like she was expecting a visitor than having a baby. And it was that that really put me off wanting to know.

I'd have preferred to have know more useful stuff like 'Will my baby be a total prat when he's 15' or 'Will my daughter expect to be waited on hand and foot all her life'.

And then I could have planned accordingly.

Happy birthday Val

2007-02-13T00:42:00.000Z

- cheating a bit here cos her birthday isn't until tomorrow. Yes that's right, her birthday is Valentine's Day and her name is Valentine. How imaginative of her parents.

Haven't seen her for ages, not since I worked in Southend (now that WAS a bizarre experience for a Yorkshire lass) as she was living in Romford. I used to go over on Wednesday for dinner and a chat.

I met Val when I was at school and worked at Littlewoods on a Saturday. In the Food Hall. It was horrible. She started one week and I was asked to look after her and show her the ropes (actually, I had to show her the bacon). She'd recently moved to Leeds from Worksop and amazingly we had mutual friends (from Worksop College). We hit it off straight away. We both liked getting pissed and boys. Not necessarily in that order.

She was at Leeds College of Music and eventually got round to another boyfriend called John. They eventually married and went on to have 4 lovely girls.

They became very churchified after they got married and John became pretty much holier than thou. It made me chuckle inside when he used to tell me off for swearing, taking the Lord's name in vain and talking about 'inappropriate' things in general. This really made me laugh cos he obviously had a very short memory. But I don't.

I remember what they used to get up to in the practice rooms!!

Happy birthday Lynda

2007-02-06T23:14:00.000Z

Today is the fallen-Lynda-with-the-big-boobies birthday. She's now as old as me. Ha! This puts an end to the 5 month window of gloating she has about me being a year older than her.

Theo has managed to squeeze us into his busy schedule and tonight we've been out for dinner to belatedly celebrate his birthday. He was actually quite chatty and pleasant, so that was nice, but Ysabella was put out by competition so she upped her volume and shouted us all down, so that was quite irritating. And then when she butted in for the umpteenth time and I told her to wait until Theo had finished speaking, she sulked and didn't say anything for the rest of the meal. Hmmm, should have told her off at the beginning.

Back into the swing at uni now. It's ok, not too taxing at the moment. We really are on a lovely campus and these lovely spring/winter/whatever-season-it-is-at-the-moment days with clear blues skies and sunshine really show it off beautifully. Mind you, it is best appreciated from inside cos it's so bloody cold.

Jonathan made the beds today. Don't know why he bothers. I mean my domestic standards are pretty low, but he comes nowhere near. Theo's bed was still so lumpy I thought Theo was still in it! But I can't say anything cos he'll never do it again and once every 2-3 years isn't very much as it is. Still, his cooking is improving, and you can just about see the food through the grease, so that's good.

I suppose my biggest news today is that I bought some fruit yesterday (hold the front page). Peaches, plums, blackberries, a pomegranate and a pineapple. And a plum and a peach disappeared. This really confused me cos the rest of the family are not known for their fruit eating (or anything healthy for that matter). I asked Jonathan - no, not him. I asked Ysabella - no, not her. So then I thought I'd either gone mad or eaten them myself and not noticed. But then Theo said he'd had them.

And that really unnerved me.

Happy birthday Dad

2007-02-02T00:19:00.000Z

It's my dad's birthday today.

I love my dad. He's a splendid, kind, clever and loving man. I'm very lucky.

He used to be a sales rep and travelled a lot over all 3 Yorkshires and a bit further up, lower down and to the side (I'm counting Hull, Grimsby etc in the Yorskhire bit). When I was young I used to go with him on his calls during the school holidays. While he visited his customers I'd sit in the car and read. We'd take sandwiches and go somewhere picturesque and have our lunch while he read the paper and I'd read my book again.

When I was very young I'd often fall asleep on the way home - especially when we had the Zephyr 6 that had a leather bench seat in the front - and a weird column gear stick.

My dad isn't anti-social but he doesn't talk that much when he's driving, but that didn't matter. I was alone with my dad. I can remember him enjoying Woman's Hour on the radio. This was my favourite way to spend my school holidays.

Well he's 73 now, and his rep-ing days are long gone, but I'm back to having 'school' holidays so I think it would only be fair if he took me out for a day again. His driving is fine but maybe this time I could drive him, and he can read one of his many books, and I'll read the paper while we have our picnic.

And then he can fall asleep on the way home.

Happy birthday Theo

2007-01-31T01:13:00.000Z

He's 15. He's still a pain in the arse. But I love him, custard spots and all. I juts hope he'll start to grow up as much as he's growing upwards.

In a comment on my last post Zed said something along the lines of being adopted by the beau monde (ok, my description for them) of Bruxelles. Wierd that, innit? I wonder why. Don't think any of them have actually been born in Belgium though.

I know, it's cos I'm lovely. It's that simple.

Back at uni this week. I have a taxing 9.5 hours that I'm required to be there. Don't know how I'll manage that. Hell, I even have to go in on a Monday for 2.00 pm. Tragedy.........

Don't think for one minute I'll be filling my time with any domestic chores. Not about to change the habits of a lifetime. Actually that's not true, it's the habits of the last 18 years and 6 months, give or take a day or 2.

Where shall I go for a holiday at Easter? Not much criteria as to what I want. Oh, apart from cheap fags.

And lovely handbags.

Happy birthday Auntie Mo

2007-01-24T00:03:00.000Z

Well, today I went to the Flying Pizza, in Leeds, for my Auntie Mo's birthday. There was me and my 2 cousins, Jo and Mandy, and Auntie Mo's sister, Sheila and their cousin, Kath.

I was late getting there. As usual. Now it's hardly ever my fault being late, 'something' always happens. Today I got in the car at 11.50 to meet them 12 miles away on a route that involves pretty good roads and a couple of country lanes. It normally takes me 20-25 minutes.

I got in the car, I turned on the engine and reversed out of the drive. My phone rang. I stopped to answer it. It was Theo threatening to walk out of school because his friends had gone down town and left him and he was alone and freezing and hated school et cetera et cetera. So I pleaded with him to stay at school seeing as it's the only day he actually has to be there this week, he hung up. I rang Jonathan who was at home (I'm still at the end of our drive) and asked him to ring Theo and sort it out. After a bit of a screaming match, Jonathan said he would. So I set off again.

Ooooh, I got about 50 yards down the road and the phone rang again. It was Jonathan - I could still see our bloody house - saying that Theo was just ranting and had hung up on him. I told Jonathan to deal with it. (Now I usually deal with this sort of stuff, but I had to be somewhere so had to leave it in Jonathan's 'capable' hands.) Set off again. Theo rang. Set off again. Jonathan rang. I rang Theo. Theo rang back. I rang Jonathan. And then set off again.

I have a trip computer on my car. It had taken me 20 minutes and I hadn't even managed one bloody mile - and I was on my third fag.

Eventually got to the Flying Pizza only half an hour late thanks to driving like a turbo nutter bastard - after a few more calls and text messages. Walked through the door and yet another bloody phone call from Jonathan. Christ, how would he managed if I dropped dead? Given the amount of cigs I had smoked on the journey, 7 (I knew I'd smoked a lot so I counted how many) and the texting and phone calls while trying to drive/stop/start, it isn't going to be that far in the future.

And then I joined the birthday 'party' and it made me laugh - a lot. There was me, and my 2 slightly younger cousins. My auntie (looking fab for 70 in her super-trendy Belstaff boots á la Kate Moss), her slightly younger sister, and their cousin of a similar age. I love my auntie very much - and she loves me very much too. But I always feel like a little girl when I'm with her. So it really tickled me when I arrived later than the rest and had a second to observe, as an outsider, that we were in fact a bunch of middle aged to elderly ladies having lunch. And yet, all through our great lunchtime, we behaved like tittering teenage girls.

Our bodies may have shrivelled but our spirit remains.

Phew, what a relief

2007-01-19T19:04:00.000Z

Well that's the first semester over for year 2. Assignments in and exams done. Mind you, I reckon I did so badly in the exam yesterday that I told Jonathan if I passed I would.....well I told Jonathan I would do something that doesn't happen very often when you've been married for 25 years. I think he might be considering bribing the markers.

Anyway, all that crap out of the way and next week it's 'reading week'. So I've stocked up on a couple of crappy books and this weeks Grazia magazine - that'll do for the 'reading' bit. As well as all sorts of 'personal hygiene' tasks I'd planned to catch up on, Jonathan and I intended to go shopping in Leeds on Monday, I've arranged to meet my auntie for lunch on Tuesday at the Flying Pizza to celebrate her 70th birthday, got to pop to uni for an hour on Wednesday for timetabling, and then Thursday and Friday going up towards the Lake District to stay at my sister's to play with my lovely new nephew.

And then what happened yesterday? The wind blew a few bits off the kids school and they've been sent home - for over a week! Well Theo's year has to go in Tuesday for one day, and Ysabella on Friday for one day.

Bloody typical. And 'they' reckon it's going to snow. That's my chilling week totally buggered up. It'll end up costing me a fortune, I know it will, with the kids want a couple of quid, here, there, everywhere and being bored and arguing.

And my legs will still be hairy.

One down, two to go

2007-01-09T23:35:00.000Z

Had an exam today, macroeconomics - thrilling. Probably did really badly, but, ho hum - ask me if I care. As long as I get at least 60% I'll be satisfied.

Worst bit is, Jonathan has done better than me and that is a bit of a pisser, but I'm secure enough in the knowledge that I'm far superior to him to willingly admit that (this time) he has.

But then he is planning on working when/if we graduate. And I'm not.

I'm planning on being a totally lazy cow, and if I get bored one day, I will clean the kitchen cupboards out cos, according to my mum, you need to do it about once a year (or more) and I've never done it.

I use plates, bowls, mugs - I don't put my dinner inside the cupboard and eat it from there, so what's a bit of dust between friends?

Anyway, the cupboards that have the tinned stuff and 'dry goods' always make for a bit of fun when I find stuff that's about 8 years out-of-date, so I'd loose that if I cleaned them out regularly. Did you know that tins of artichoke hearts seem to always leak when left 5 or more years?

Anyway when we had the Christmas pudding in early December the sell by date was somewhere around 2000 and the satchet of instant custard was about 3 years out-of-date and it all tasted fine to me.

Believe it or not I wasn't always such a household slut.

So, a 3000 word assignment to hand in on Friday - must find 2000 words somewhere in the next 2 days. And then an exam next week.

Great.

He's here

2007-01-05T19:15:00.000Z

Charlotte eventually decided to have her baby - 14 days late! Ended up being a sunroof jobby so he's not all squished up. I'm an auntie at last, hurray.

I haven't seen him in the flesh but I've seen photos and he's gorgeous. Can't wait to get up there and see him but it won't be until next weekend. Bugger.

Welcome to the world Caspar James.

Happy New Year

2007-01-01T16:22:00.000Z

Unfortuantely (or fortunately depending on your viewpoint) don't have a lot more to say on the subject.

I don't make resolutions, as I once announced pissed on the telly, when collared in the street by a man with a big fluffy microphone, having just had a boozy lunch with my Pauls.

I've been very boring and lazy this Christmas and, apart from getting arsy with Jonathan and the kids, I have done very little.

We have had no visitors and we haven't been to visit anyone - bliss. Ok, so we've had the odd trip down the pub, but I have actually been out less than usual.

We did go to a wedding on the 29th, many congratualtions to Bev and John. We hope you will be very happy - actually, we're pretty sure you will be.

My sister still hasn't dropped her sprog, so I'm totally sick of waiting now - beginning to lose interest in fact, let's just hope she isn't.

Theo won't get his finger out and do his course work for his GCSEs, one bit should have been in in October and the little shit still hasn't done it.

I had an epiphany and have decided to do my assignment on the rise of the car industry in Eastern Europe.

Bet you're all jealous now.

All done and dusted

2006-12-26T15:14:00.000Z

Obviously not literally cos dusting is housework and that's pants and I don't bother with that.

But Christmas is all over (in case you hadn't noticed) for another year. Thank goodness.

Jonathan excelled himself again spending a whole £6.50 on something I wanted (Chris Moyles book - half price), and a couple(literally) more quid on stuff I really didn't want at all.

Leona Lewis (X-factor winner) new single? Hello!!!!! Why would I want that? I don't like ballads, I don't like that genre of female singers. I grant you she has a fabulous voice but I also appreciate Leonard Cohen is a poet and I still wouldn't want anything of his.

He complains I never give him any clues.

This year for the first time, I printed of a Christmas list of ideas, at my family's behest, it wasn't greedy (I don't think) and it wasn't excessive for 3 people to pick things off.

4 CDs
1 DVD
2 Books

Theo got me 2 of the CDs - thank you, that's lovely sweetie x x

Jonathan got me one of the books - thank you.

And then he got me 2 CDs I didn't want (including the Leona Lewis one) and a book I didn't want.

Why? Why does he do this year after year after year?

Then he sulks because I look bewildered while I struggle to work out why he's bought me these things. I'm mean for the same amount of (very little) outlay he could have got me the other book I wanted, or the DVD, or the Scissor Sisters CD and then I would have been delighted at a) my gift and b) that he'd actually bothered to listen and taken into account my taste and request.

And that's what hurts the most. He doesn't bother to listen. And he hasn't bothered over the last 25 years to notice my taste in things.

I bought him (amongst other stuff) some Levis - he'll only have zip flies so a bit trickier to get these days. He opened them, he looked delighted, He said 'how did you know I wanted some?' To which I replied, 'Well for the last couple of months you've been saying you need some Levis and you don't know where to get them from. I listened to what you wanted, and I put effort into finding some.'

He went to the supermarket on the 23rd and got whatever was kicking around, basically. One year all (3 of) my gifts came from Sainsbury's Homebase, bought at 4.00pm on Christmas Eve - well that's what it said on the receipt that was in with one gift (maybe the burger fridge magnet?)

I don't want vast amounts of cash spending on me, what I would really like is just a little bit of thought and effort.

To add insult to injury my sister gave me an apron I'd given her husband last year. Did she think I wouldn't notice?

An elephant never forgets.........

Bah, humbug

2006-12-23T15:10:00.000Z

Well the shopping is shopped, the presents are wrapped, the cards are written (apart from the neighbours which I do about 5 o'clock on Christmas Eve, traditionally) and all is well.

All I have to do is boil Theo's eggs for his egg mayonnaise sandwiches and cook Ysabella's sausages and that's Christmas lunch sorted.

All I need to worry about now are the exams and assessments that are due straight after Christmas. Grrrrrr.

Although there is another thing that is blighting my Christmas. For years he was postioned on the lamp post at the end of our road. Last year he was at the bottom of Station Road. For some bizarre reason, this year, he was outside the Methodist church, and then, mysteriously he was gone and replaced by a flashing Christmas bauble.

Wanking Santa has disappeared and I'm gutted.

Venting my spleen

2006-12-21T17:31:00.000Z

There may be some words and sentiments in this blog that are offensive, so be warned, you have the chance to go away now.

Jonathan has just been to visit his dad who is in an old people's home. His dad has kidney failure and has dialysis 3 times a week, and keeps falling and breaking bones, so living on his own is neither a safe nor viable option. (Although this has sod all to do with this blog really.)

As the kids haven't seen him all year - because they really don't like him and the way he has treated me - I paid them £10 each as a bribe to go too.

They took the present I had bought him and the card I had written.

When they came back Jonathan had a cheque for the 'family' for Christmas. £75. Hmmm. There are 4 in this family so was he intending it to be £18.75 each? Oh no he fucking wasn't. It was intended as £25 each for Jonathan and the 2 kids.

The fucking, miserable twat. Now don't get me wrong, it certainly isn't the money, it's the principle. Who does he think has shopped for, paid for and wrapped his (and Jonathan's mums) birthday and Christmas presents for the last 25+ years?

Who does he think nags Jonathan to go visit him, who does he think nags the kids (and today actually bribed with real money) to visit him?

Yes, it's fucking muggins - me.

In 1999 he told me he never wanted to see me again, and I having (rather willingly) obliged. He told me his wife never liked me, and neither did he, I said 'Do you think I hadn't noticed?'

He's been nasty to me. He's been even nastier to Jonathan. Despite my feelings towards him, I do think Jonathan and the kids should keep in touch, and thanks to my efforts they do.

But this bloody Christmas cheque has really fucked me off big time. Ok, he's done exactly the same for the last 5-6 Christmases so I shouldn't be surprised, but really it has made me both very upset and angry this year. Maybe I'm hormonal - who knows.

But, I'd just like to say this. Hurry up and die your miserable old fucker. And I hope you suffer. You've blighted my husband's life for 50 years, and while you still had you 'hold' over Jonathan you made my life hell, and indirectly my kids' lives, too.

You are the most hypocritical, mean-spirited , evil person I know. I hate the way you have made me have these sort of feelings, because I am not a nasty person, but I cannot tolerate the way you have made my loved ones suffer.

You liked to tout yourself as a Christian but I've never seen anyone less Christian in my life. You were so sulky that your batchelor friend left all his money to charity and only left you a picture 'after all I've done for him' you said - erm, a couple of visits and a couple of Sunday lunches? Like you needed the cash! You were evil and contolling to Jonathan's mother and repayed her devotion by shitting on her. I was nearly sick at her funeral with your demonstrations of grief - more like no-one to wait on you hand and foot.

I could go on and on, so I'll cut it short

Rot in hell, Harry D. You're scum.

Good news, or bad news?

2006-12-17T18:39:00.000Z

Last night we went to Paul and Margaret's Silver Wedding anniversary party (many congratulations you 2).

I've know Paul for 27 years, did my computer programmer training with him, cos that's what we were called back then, developing was for photographs. Anyway, both Jonathan and I have known them both a bloody long time. But these days we don't see them, their 2 kids (who have grown into truly delightful adults) or their huge, extended family very often these days.

So, we hadn't seen a lot of the folk there for years and years, some even 20 years. The number of people that told me I hadn't changed a bit was kind of scary. So what does this mean?

It could be one of two things, either:

a) I still look young and fresh and delicious

or

b) 20 years ago I was a grey-haired wrinkled old hag

Hmmm, whilst I would love it to be a) I can't help but think it was probably b).

All I want for Christmas

2006-12-14T14:54:00.000Z

I know I should say world peace and an end to hunger in LEDC (which, I have learnt from my 11 year old are Less Economically Developed Countries - are they next door to the third world?) but obviously I want those things like any half decent human being does.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

(So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.)

I wanna, I wanna, I wanna.......a son who realises which side his bread is buttered......who appreciates how bright he actually is......who appreciates that 'things' have been bought somewhere down the line by someone who put effort into earning the money to pay for them.......who comes to his senses, before it's too late, and puts some effort into his GCSE years......who realises that I'm on his side......

who knows how much I love him

What a twat.

2006-12-07T06:51:00.000Z

Well it's 6.50 am and I've been awake since 4.05 am. And I'm tired and my head hurts.

It's not that I couldn't sleep, it's just that someone woke me up.

My phone rang and I answered it and it was Phil, one of the students I'm working in a team with. I'm guessing he was pissed cos I couldn't understand a word he was saying apart from asking if I'd got his text message saying he couldn't make it to the meeting this morning.

Well I had, and replied to it, and then he replied to that so he bloody well knew I'd got it. He then said something about being committed to the project (so how about turning up on time for meetings then mate?) and this phone call proved it.

It certainly proved something.

Anyway, I said ha ha very funny, or something along those lines, and then set off on the return journey to the land of nod. I was about 2" away when the bloody phone rang again. This time 'Private Number' so I cancelled the call and put my phone on silent. Good job I did too because then I ended up with 8 missed calls, as I found out when I eventaully gave up and came downstairs at 5.20.

I listened to the voice mail, another pissed person saying something about billy bear...... Hmmm, guessing Phil is billy bear, but why I have no idea, and I'm certain I don't really care.

So for the last hour and a half I have been plotting my revenge (like ringing him at 9.30am - ha ha, that'd wake HIM up) before realising that there's absolutely no point whatsoever cos I don't want middle-of-the-night phone calls for the rest of my life.

Arsehole.

How did that happen?

2006-12-02T16:26:00.000Z

It's December, and not even the first, it's the second, which means it's Christmas in 3 weeks and 2 days.

I've barely given it a thought. I suppose I'll have to do something about presents and cards and crap like that. Nightmare. Why can't I be as organised a my sister Singing Sarah? She has everything bought and wrapped and all the cards written by February - and that really isn't far off the truth. Which is just a tad anal if you ask me. Other sister, who's usually worse than me, is really organised this year, but then she's due to give birth December the 20 something.

On the plus side Theo wants egg mayonnaise sandwiches for Christmas dinner, and Ysabella says she wants sausages, wrapped in bacon, on sticks. Jonathan says both of those sound good to him, and I'd be happy with a bowl of luxury muesli.

So that's the catering side sorted.

Corporeal warming

2006-11-24T19:18:00.000Z

It does matter how many chemicals I douse the cats with I can't get rid of the bloody fleas. My cats don't usually suffer such an infestation but they appeared around September and just won't go. I'm guessing it's because it has been so warm for so long, and has made the cats hot stuff and very attractive to fleas.

I've tried all sorts of stuff, that stuff you put between their shoulder blades, stuff you mix in their food and even attempted an aerosol flea spray which just caused the cat to rip me to shreds resulting in mass bloodshed (mine, obviously), as soon as I pressed the button and the tin hissed. I only tried THAT on one cat.

I comb them every day, sometimes several times if they're stupid enough to sit there, and pop the little buggers if I can pick them off the comb fast enough before they escape. Someone said to plunge them into boiling water.

Can anyone lend me a pan big enough to fit a chunky cat?

'Tis the season to be jolly

2006-11-18T20:39:00.000Z

Well it's that time of year again.

Every year my mate Andrea-the-Viking and I go 'Christmas shopping'. On these expeditions I think we have only managed to buy Christmas presents once, and that was several years ago. Mainly we go for lunch and get pissed.

Today, I believe, we excelled ourselves.

We got the train into Leeds arriving in the station for 12.10, we hobbled up Park Row cos we both have knackered knees (and I have to wear high heels cos she's 6 foot tall) and arrived at Piccolino's by about 12.20 where we ate some very nice stuff and drank a couple of bottles of very nice stuff. And then we left there about 3.

Then we went 'Christmas shopping' by walking through M&S where Andrea the Viking bought a red evening dress for a 'do' and I bought a black lace frock cos I liked it. And then we went over the road aiming for Harvey Nic's coffee bar but there was a huge queue, so we went further down the arcade to Anthony's Patisserie (which actually had better, squidgier seats) where we had a couple of scones, a pot of tea and A-the-V had a Baileys and I had a Kir Royale.

Now that's my idea of a great shopping trip.

I told a lie..

2006-11-15T20:45:00.000Z

...on Zoe's blog.

I didn't mean to. I said I didn't clean and now I remember that after clearing a shelf in one of the kitchen cupboards I wiped it with a bit of wet kitchen roll. Bloody filthy it was too. My mother-in-law used to empty all her kitchen cupboards every week and clean them inside and out.

My mother used to iron everything except tights (well she ironed the woolly kids sort) even though bras, especially, had Do Not Iron written inside them. The elastic in them used to melt after 2 wash/iron cycles. I don't iron at all. Jonathan does the kids school shirts and everything else I wash and dry very carefully so that it doesn't crease.

I have cooked (properly - from raw stuff) about 6 times this month, which is a record since I gave up all that crap.

But it wasn't always that way.

When I first got married I cleaned the house from top to bottom every week alternating skirting boards and windows every other week. I did all the washing and ironing. I did all the supermarket shopping. I did all the cooking. I worked full-time. I earned the most money.

Boy, was life shit.

Then, one Sunday evening I was doing the weekly ironing and I really wasn't well. Jonathan offered to finish it off for me. The shock nearly killed me, but I handed over and he did the last 2 items (yes, he timed it brilliantly). I was so mad when I saw that, not only did he do it in half the time I did it, he did it better than I did it. We had been married 5 years and 10 months before he'd offered to do any housework.

The bastard!

Creating a diversion

2006-11-12T17:41:00.000Z

I went out on Friday night with Paul. It was sort of an early start for me, 8.30, and we got thru a lot of wine.

Now I've been drinking Magners lately and haven't been drunk for a while cos I can't fit enough volume of cider in to get pissed, and usually not getting out until almost 10 o'clock limits the amount of drinking time I have too, so, all in all, I've been reasonably well behaved. (Ha, ha - yeah right!!)

But not Friday. Oh no siree.

I got very pissed. Jonathan said he hadn't seen me that drunk for over a year (he's not very observant).

I collapsed in a heap - tittering like a mad woman which Ysabella found hilarious - fortunately I was at home at this point.

And then I did a sick - at least it was down the loo.

But how sad is this when you're 39 plus VAT plus postage and packing?

Well??

2006-11-09T19:16:00.000Z

Still waiting for MKWM to tell me what I can do with my husband and with 2" of fun Mars bar.

Husband and/or Mars bar and/or 2" does not, in my book, equal fun of any kind.

Unless.....my husband eats the Mars bar and moves further over to his side of the bed to give me an extra 2 inches.

Not exactly fun, but a satisfactory solution.

Hurray, November at last.

2006-11-01T09:34:00.000Z

I wouldn't normally get excited about it being Novemeber, but this year it signals an end to all the stuff that's been going on, costing me a fortune, making me tired - and - worse still - smoke again.

This is a bad thing cos in my non-smoking year I realised how much smokers do stink. It really is awful and I didn't want to join the stinky club again. However, having said that fags still taste fab, and I think smoking looks cool and grown-up (btw I am entitled to MY opinion).

To celebrate the wedding anniversary/Jonathan's birthday we went to Edinburgh for 4 days. I'd never been before. I liked it and I would love to go again (preferrably without the hormonal ones). We stayed in a fab hotel (Malmaison in Leith) which was the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in. Mind you, I think the staff were a bit forward cos by our second night they knew our bar order and one of the waiters kept whispering that he could do me a nice little Sauvignon at a bin-end price......

This month has been crazy, as wells as 3 weddings, our silver jobby, 4 birthdays, an exam, half-term, our little party-ette, 4 days in Edinburgh and a death, there was Halloween.

God how I hate this gift from the good old US of A. It's crap, they should have kept it. I bought 5 bags of 'fun-sized' things, (well I don't want cellulose paint on my car again) and it looks like I have about 4 bags left! Where were the buggers?

To round off the mad month I did something I haven't done for 6 or more years. I had a fun-sized Mars bar. They were as yukky and sickly as I remember.

And I'm still trying to work out what is 'fun' about something that is only 2 inches long.

Happy birthday to Jonathan

2006-10-30T20:12:00.000Z

50

It's fookin hilarious!

My mum has a weird thing

2006-10-18T20:00:00.000+01:00

....she cuts articles out of newspapers which she feels are relevant to me and my sisters. She has handbags full of the bloody things.

Usually she gets it so wrong, doling out totally irrelevant articles of no interest to anyone, but just occasionally she gets it right.

At the moment I'm very concerned that in the very, very near future I will have to sleep with a very old man.

This is the problem with our wedding anniversay being so close to Jonathan's birthday. They're only 7 days apart so there isn't a decent interval for me to celebrate one and then find and run off with a young man, before the other.

At our 'do' on Sunday my mum gave me another of her ubiquitous newspaper cuttings which I found earlier today.

It was from the Daily Mail and written by one of their regular writers, Jill Parkin, who just happened to be in my class at school. I could say how mean she was to me on my first day, but I won't.

Anyway this article was basically about being married to an older man. And her husband is 15 years older than her. He's bloody 63. Oh. My. God.

So I shall hold this thought when I get into bed a week on Sunday that when I wake up my 'old' man will still be a relatively young buck at 50.

Bit of a 'do'

2006-10-17T00:25:00.000+01:00

We had our do yesterday, and very nice it was too.

We got presents, which I wasn't expecting. I got drunk, which I was expecting.

We were there for 7 hours and the time just flew by. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, which is a good thing. Even Theo a) turned up (although he did wear a shirt he'd dug out of the dirty washing basket), and b) behaved and everyone said he was polite and charming ( so everyone else was drunk too?) And Ysabella managed to look trendy rather than like some cheap eastern European hooker, which is unusual for her.

So I'd like to say a big thank you to John and Henny from the Queens Head in Burley in Wharfedale for making it a huge success and dishing up a rather nice meal.

Cheers m'dears x x

I don't believe it.

2006-10-14T14:13:00.000+01:00

It's over a week since I blogged, but this is because October is a very busy month for me, especially this year.

First we have weddings........my cousin got married in 3rd in Sorrento, but her 'do' is back here on the 21st. Many congratualtions Justine and Alex, I hope you'll be very, very happy.

Next my sister gets married. About time too as she's up the duff! Charlotte and Stuart are getting married on the 28th, but don't tell my mum cos no-one else knows. Again, many congratulations, and lots of love to you both. But please, please, please re-think calling your little innocent baby Victor. For fuck's sake!

Then some friends' daughter gets married on the 28th too. We have been invited to the evening reception but can't make it cos we'll be away. Nevertheless, congratulations Charlotte and Rob.

But the wedding we will be most interested in happened 25 years ago, on the 23rd October 1981.

Yes, that was us and we'll be celebrating (?) our Silver Wedding anniversary this month. Help!! I'm sure I didn't do anything to deserve this. I must have been real bad in a previous life. Oh well, seeing as there isn't much else out there to choose from I think I'll keep Jonathan another month or so.

So tomorrow we're having a bit of a 'do' to celebrate. Quite looking forward to it actually. Auntie Mo will probably get drunk and my mum will curl her lip a lot.

Then there are the birthdays.........

Andrea the Viking on the 11th
Jill the Sister-in-Law on the 28th
Marc the Well-Hung on the 29th

and then....

it's Jonathan's....

on the 30th....

and he will be 50.

Ha ha ha!!!!

Fine dining

2006-10-06T19:49:00.000+01:00

To satisfy my sophisticated palate, for dinner I have had cold, white toast with lurpak and marmite and an orange fresh Solero.

Yum yum.

From bad to worse

2006-10-04T14:27:00.000+01:00

I think we've established I hate being ill but I've found something worse.........

....when the bloke you live with is ill.

Grrrrrrr.

I'm still snotty

2006-10-02T20:29:00.000+01:00

What's that all about?

First I was all flu-y and now I'm switching between bunged up and awash with snot. I hate being ill. It's even beginning to impinge on my drinking now.

And that is bang out of order.

Miraculous recovery

2006-09-29T18:29:00.000+01:00

Well not really - recovery I mean, but I do feel a helluva lot better than I did. Feel a bit dizzy without alcohol so that must be a good thing and a head start.

So I'm off out with Mad Jane and Lynda Big-Lungs and I shall kill my germs with vodka - and maybe a sly fag.

After all, I have a brand new really slutty pair of high-heeled, leopard skin, platform-soled, ankle-strapped shoes to wear. And they're nearly comfy.

Oh happy days.

Poorly sick

2006-09-28T19:36:00.000+01:00

and maybe dying.

I HATE being ill. I am very rarely ill. It is a full year since I was last ill, and that was sort of self inflicted when I had an infection after having my thingy cut off.

And now I feel like shit, think I've got flu. My throat hurts and my chest is tight and I'm sweating more than is polite.

Bollocks.

Worst nightmare comes true

2006-09-25T18:35:00.000+01:00

Admittedly I am rather old (39 + vat + postage and packing) and I do have a lot of female friends, and all my siblings and cousins are female. Despite the fact that most are married, including myself, I had never, EVER been on a hen night. Purely because the whole idea makes me cringe. Now, a stag night is a different kettle of bananas, but that's another story.

Saturday it happened. My cousin Justine (yes you, ya moo) made me go to her hen night. There were 20 screaming women (terrible, just terrible) and we had to dress as cowgirls.

As I was sat on the train into Leeds city centre on Saturday evening with everyone else dressed up in there posh outfits it dawned on me (after spotting my reflection in the window) that a check shirt, jeans and boots made me look more like a lesbain than a cowgirl. And that thought stayed with me, festering all evening. Cos after all, I might not look like a dainty little princess on the outside, but that's how I feel inside and nothing can ever, ever be too pink or too glittery for me.

The combination of screeching women (even though I was related to many) and looking so butch was making me totally miserable. The kind of miserable that no matter how many large vodkas I drank I was simply not getting pissed enough to not give a monkeys how I looked. I stuck it for 2 1/2 hours before I did a runner and legged it for the last bus (although, theoretically I was willing to stump up for a taxi.) As I stood in the bus queue a man came over and started chatting me up. Asked me to go drinking and dancing with him. Was most insistent (but I didn't.) Me, in a mood to end all moods, with a face like a slapped arse, looking butcher than butch. Ha!

Obviously the lesbian look is favoured by the latino type, or the poor man was very, very, desperate.........

Working 9 'til 5

2006-09-24T14:03:00.000+01:00

I worked on Thursday for the day.

Well day is stretching it a bit, it was 8.30 - 2.00, including the rather nice free lunch we had.

And working is stretching it a bit too, it mostly involved 'being available' to answer questions and putting table cloths on 50 tables - but there were at least 9 of us doing that, so we weren't actually slaving away over trestle table.

The worst bit was the god-awful t-shirt we had to wear, and the fact that we got to keep it.

The reason for this was Freshers' Week and this was an event put on by the Business School and as I had got one of the highest scores in the subject that was running this event I had been 'volunteered' to help. Hmmmm, I thought you were supposed to be rewarded for doing well, not picked on.

There were about 500 students involved, assuming around 50% were male, and 50% of those were reasonably cute (for an old woman with bad eyesight who's not terribly fussy) that was approximately 125 good reasons to get up early.

I'm such a tart.

Practice makes perfect

2006-09-22T11:58:00.000+01:00

After 18+ weeks off over the summer (it's bloody great being a student) I have to go back on Monday. At 9.00am. For fuck's sake. And, and then I don't finish until 5.30pm. Shocking......but I do have 10-2 off.

Anyways, to make sure I'm a proper scratty student I have been relearning the art of drinking cider again. I thought, when I went on to Pernod at 14, my cider drinking days were well and truly behind me. After all, I am now of an age where I am too old to drink cheap wine let alone cider, and my favourite local bar doesn't even stock Smirnoff vodka cos it's too common so I have to drink some Bison vodka (which is really rather nice in a weird smoky-flavour way.)

But no, those nice people that make Magners decided it should be served over ice and lo, another convert was born. I could only drink one 568ml bottle to start with but now, after some serious training, I can fit in more.

Yesterday I managed four. What a result.

Slap around the face with a wet kipper

2006-09-19T18:34:00.000+01:00

Well, this week has been a total shock to the system.

After 18 whole weeks off we had to go back to university, yesterday, to regsiter and sort out our timetable. We were there almost an hour and a half and I was absolutely knackered after all that effort. It's going to kill me when we start 'full-time' next week (ie. ALL Wednesday and Friday off and a 4 hour lunch break on a Monday - tragic.)

Today I called in because I had to complete my registration with the job shop - for my new job. My new job involves 5 hours of messing around with freshers on Thursday.

Whilst I was on campus I thought I'd go and renew my NUS card. I had to have my photo taken. Well, considering the majority of students were around 18 - 21 years old, and, mostly, fresh-faced, (added to the fact that the spotty youth taking the pics was no bloody David Bailey) when commited to print I couldn't avoid the truth any longer. I am an old, OLD hag.

I could have cried.

True confessions #1

2006-09-15T19:05:00.000+01:00

I am such a sad bastard (no, that isn't the confession as that is probably bleedin' obvious.)

I absolutely love playing SpongeBob Squarepants Collapse. That in itself probably does not make me pathetic as many people have a favourite game they play on the computer. But........if I get a really good score, or make it on the Top Twenty I take a screen print and save it in a file.

Sad, but true.

Birthday booty

2006-09-10T11:57:00.000+01:00

The cache so far (which I will update when/if the kids give me presents when they bother to get out of bed) .....

UPDATE - Ysabella has bought me some cracking black, very high-heeled slutty shoes - what a girl (obviously the fact that she is almost the same size shoe as me now has nothing to do with it and she's not forward planning......)

UPDATE #2 - Theo got me 2 DVDs, lovely. Mind you I had to wait until he got up before I got my present - at 4.45pm!

UPDATE #3 - I got money, flowers and a birthday cake from my mummy and daddy as they breezed through on a whirlwind visit.

From my sister Sarah, one of her lovely special hand-knitted scarves and a handbag charm.

From my cousin Mandy, £15 - yay!

From Lynda Big-Lungs, a pale pink glass handbag, my favourite thing in my favourite colour.

From Mad Jane, a very pretty pink murano glass bag charm, to decorate my favourite things.

From the very lovely Paul, a little book on handbags and a SHOE VOUCHER (I love that man......)

From Jonathan, a bottle of Chanel No 5 Perfume (not the cheap stuff!!), and 2 books, Cracking the Da Vinci Code and.......

..........How To Survive Bird Flu

It's my birthday

2006-09-09T13:02:00.000+01:00

on Sunday. Just thought I'd tell you.

I know for sure that Jonathan still hasn't bought me anything. When he does, it'll probably be crap.

Oh goody.

Don't try this at home or

2006-09-07T16:44:00.000+01:00

out in public......

I am trying to post 2 fishing nets, many knickers and an Andy-present to Zoe (http://users.pandora.be/quarsan/zoe/index.html) and it's not been as easy as you may think.

I parcelled all the stuff up, which resulted in a 6 foot tall, top heavy, brown paper lollipop, and decided to combine a walk to the Post Office with walking the daft dog. Hmmm.

It all went a bit Pete-Tong when I got to the Post Office. To start with I 'pretended' to tie the dog up - which she usually falls for - and all went well for a while. She obviously got a bit bored with me queuing and wandered in to join me sniffing and inspecting the now huge queue, much to their amusement. Due to a change in posting things pricing, I was told that as the parcel was over 90cm, it would cost over £18. Oh-my-gawd........... But if I cut it down to size then it would only be £4 ish. Sorry Zed, it's stunted nets for you.

So I left the Post Office with net-shaped parcel and dog in tow. The PO is right next to the park so we turned in to walk through there. Maddy was persistently sniffing at my bag which had her frisbee in so I got it out, skillfully threw it about 6 feet and then it took her about 34 seconds to rip that to shreds and then.....

Well, then she spied the long bamboo poles from the fishing nets - and attacked them. Took me and 2 other people to drag her off the bloody things, and then I had to repeat this procedure all the way home.

Nightmare.

Of course all any one else could see was this overly large chocolate labrador crunching through bamboo whilst growling and baring her teeth. I wanted to make sure there was still at least 90cm to send to Zoe so was trying to remove it reasonably carefully. Maddy thought this was a great game and growled more. Must have looked like I was in fear of my life.

Oh well - shall try sending abbreviated fishing nets tomorrow.

News in brief

2006-09-02T11:16:00.000+01:00

Another one bites the dust........ another minnow has died, there should be 2 left now, let me check - yes, there are 2. Amazing. Obviously the disappearing spell has worn off leaving the die-you-bastards spell.

I think over the course of the summer I have broken about 5 toes spread over all my feet (I have the standard issue of 2,) with my little toe on my left foot being the latest to suffer. Sick of this now and would like to move out of flip-flops and back into slutty shoes.

The bedroom action has almost come to an end. Our wardrobes are in situ, looking good, just all the crap to put away and a bit of gloss painting to do. Hmmm, these last bits never happen in our house so I predict Dec 2008 as the completion date at the very earliest.

As part of putting stuff in my new drawers I have decided to audition my bras. I have been in search of that elusive perfect bra for years - because of this I have 317 bras, most of which cripple me. From now a bra has to pass the 'comfortable for a day' test before being promoted to a bit of new drawer space.

I got stung by a wasp yesterday. I was hanging out the washing and as I reached up I must have squashed it between my nightshirt and my shoulder and it stung me. Ouch. So I ripped off the nightshirt and was running round the garden in my knickers and all Jonathan cared about was the neighbours seeing my tits. But they've seen them before.....

I went to the Lake District on Monday to visit my sister (and avoid the wardrobe fitting) who is pregnant and in the process of moving. They have sold her house, and his house and are moving into a different house. She's a bit of a stress-head at the best of times but she's struggling with this one. So I brought her dog back home with me. Barking - yes I must be!

Only 68 1/2 hours to go before one of the kids goes back to school, followed by the other 24 hours later. Why do the days - and I don't just mean the daylight hours - during the school holidays seem to be the longest days in the year? Still haven't labelled any uniform, thank heavens for laundry markers.

Hair for sale.....

2006-08-26T15:37:00.000+01:00

Theo had beautiful long, lustrous, ringlet-ty (?), glossy hair with natural auburn highlights. He grew it quite long for a 14 year old boy really, it was almost elbow length. I loved his swishy, curly hair (when it was clean) and when he was in a real good mood he'd let me play with his sausage hair.

He had it all cut off the other day. Actually looks lovely. He's becoming quite a handsme young man.

Jonathan said to ask for the hair back so we could sell it (yup, he's a bit weird,) so she gave me it back in a ponytail in a carrier bag. Suddenly the lovely, always-wanting-to-fiddle-with-it hair has become quite a revolting, gruesome artefact that is languishing in the kitchen.

So, does anybody want to buy this bloody hair?

Hot, sweaty bedroom action

2006-08-24T10:23:00.000+01:00

I'll apologise upfront for any typos, Lester (the cat) is 'helping' me by walking all over the keyboard.

Back to all that bedroom action........

Seemed like a good idea at the time to have wardrobes fitted into our bedroom. With new wardrobes I mighted be tempted to put things away. The nice man came, measured up, quoted a reasonable (who am I trying to kid) price that I justified by saying I'd have spent more on cigs if I still smoked. So we (the royal we) said 'Ooooh yes please.' 'Ha, ha, sucker,' said the nice man, 'we'll come and do it on 6th September.'

And then they rang up and said 'Lucky you, we can fit you in on 29th August.' Which might have been lucky - except we had to do everything else.

The everything else involved clearing out everything from the spare bedroom, sending the furniture to charideeee, redecorating, including wallpapering, and shampooing the carpet. Then we had to move everything out of Theo's bedroom, including dismantling his wardrobes and moving them to the spare bedroom - and taking all his other furniture downstairs to go to charidee - and decorating, and carpet shampooing.

Next up was dismantling the wardrobes from our bedroom and moving some to the spare room and some to Theo's room.

And shifting all those bloody clothes in and out of wardrobes, into charity bags, into the bin and those items that weren't fit for any of those things into bags for my sisters to poke through. Now we're down to undies in carrier bags in our bedroom and full storage boxes for bedside tables. And bits of stuff eveywhere.

It may be dull, it may be raining but it's still August and too hot to be heaving all this stuff around.

Anyway, yesterday the furniture charidee people came to collect (a day early??) the furniture; so we're 1 x double wardrobe, 1 x 7-drawer chest, 2 x 3 drawer bedside chests, 1 x white Ikea table, 1 x 3 drawer wooden chest, 2 x bookshelves lighter than we were, and this morning 4 large bags went to the ordinary charity collection.

Does the house look any tidier? As if!

Who stole my fish?

2006-08-20T12:24:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time we had -

2 ordinary goldfish (Ysabella's)
3 fancy goldfish (mine)
3 minnows (Theo's)

Mine, being in-bred and a bit faulty, died first, although they did last well over a year.

When we were last on holiday, Paul killed Ysabella's monster goldfish.

So, I deduced, as there had been no more deaths, or removal of fish (that any one has 'fessed up to) we had 1 ordinary goldfish and 3 minnows.

How wrong can you be - we only have 1 ordinary goldfish and 2 minnows.

So were the fuck has the other one gone?

Once I was less boring

2006-08-09T01:14:00.000+01:00

but now all I have to say is that it cost me nearly £173 to buy Ysabella's school uniform. Not even started on Theo's.

Every time the size increases, the price increases. Guess it'll cost me around £2,000 for Theo's blazer then.

Fookin rip off!

Do they have naturist schools anywhere?

Paul killed my big fish

2006-08-08T12:41:00.000+01:00

Been away on holiday to Ibiza. Very hot, very humid, very obnoxious kids (and husband.) But I managed to have a reasonaly good time.

Despite Paul trying to sabotage it - twice.

First he lent me some books to read. I took 4 with me. I read the first one. Awful, simply awful. The worst book I have ever, ever read. Kinky Friedman, can't remember what the book was called - don't go there ever, I'm begging you. It was only about 5 pages thick and on every page he was 'cradling the blower', 'going for a Nixon' and referring to 'Peruvian (or was it Bolivian? who knows, who cares) marching powder' at least 5 or 6 times.

Terrible. The author's family must own a printing press or have the publisher by the short and curlies cos I have no idea why anyone would volunteer to publish such a load of crap.

Then he killed the fish. The biggest fish - must have been one hell of a fight, that fish was huge. Didn't even break the news gently. Just a rather callous text.

Then I read another of the books he lent me 'The Time Traveller's Wife' - absolutely beautiful, and normally I hate love stories.

I have forgiven him for the fish, but not that dire book.

14.32 to Ilkley

2006-07-21T10:01:00.000+01:00

On Wednesday I went into Leeds for my hair 'doing.' I caught the 14.32 to Ilkley back home.

It wasn't a packed train, like they are at rush hour, but it is a well used line and there were a fair few people on it. I sat in a 2-seater slot, and over the aisle was a 6-seater slot which already had a lady sat in the window seat.

This young girl got on. She caught my attention firstly because I thought she was topless - but it was just a low-slung boob tube. She was very, very thin - bones sticking out and everything She was wearing this boob tube, a tiny pair of shorts and some flip-flops. She sat diagonally opposite the Window Seat Lady so she was physically closest to me.

Very Thin Girl got out a bottle of suntan lotion and very, very slowly, after kicking off her flip-flops, started to rub suntan lotion into her lower legs and feet. When she'd done this she shuffled forward in her seat and did her thighs. she put a lot of effort into shoving the lotion as far up the shorts (and they were very short) as she could. By now WSL and I couldn't believe our eyes. Then she did her top half. Arms, shoulders, back. Then down her boob tube, then up her boob tube. By now I couldn't stop staring. It didn't really matter cos VTG was so engrossed in greasing herself up that she didn't notice anyone. Then she did her face.

It was WSL's station and she got up and gave me a bemused look.

Then VTG dipped in her bag and came out with a silver foil wrapped packet that had 2 or 3 dry crackers which she broke bits off and ate very slowly. Yuk - dry crackers with a slight smearing of suntan lotion?!?!?

But when I got off at my station I noticed that she hadn't rubbed it in properly and had big patches of white cream all over her. Especially her left ear which was dripping with the stuff.

Odd, very odd.

Rubbing salt in the wound

2006-07-17T18:00:00.000+01:00

Well I eventually managed to get an invoice for the bits for the mobile phone (that I no longer have, but had already bought) so that I could send in the claim for our break-in.

The claim was for £701 for the door locking mechanism repairing and £44 for these two phone bits.

The insurance company rang me up. "We're sorry," they said (acutally I didn't believe this) "but there's a £500 limit on door locks so we will only be send you a cheque for £445."

Of course they take the fucking £100 excess off the £500 limit. So I'm £300 poorer for being robbed and having massively comprehensive all singing, all-dancing, and apparently non-paying-out insurance. What's the pissing point?

And the cheque still hasn't arrived and this is a week+ later. Bastards bastards BASTARDS.

MORE THAN - my arse!

I 'whooped' that ass

2006-07-12T15:02:00.000+01:00

Today we got our results.

We have both passed our first year - hurray!

But......... I whooped his goddamned ass good and proper - oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Not that I like to brag or anything............

Twat ------> Wanker

2006-07-09T01:06:00.000+01:00

Whilst Zed's boyfriend is a merely twat (http://users.pandora.be/quarsan/zoe/index.html) I married a complete WANKER.

Had enough, need to get rid, what category should I list him under eBay?

Cheese and whine

2006-07-03T17:44:00.000+01:00

There's an ad on TV at the moment about insurance companies, and your insurance being OK until you want to make a claim. How bloody true! But it's not just the insurance companies - the whole world conspires against making a claim.

Now whilst I have known this for some time, I have been reminded of it due to our latest burglary. What a load of phaffing/faffing/faphing (how does one spell that word?) around.

I noticed, a day later, that something had actually been stolen - an almost empty mobile phone box. In the box was the headset, an SD tiny memory stick adapter (but not the memory stick) and a CD with software on to load up iTunes to the phone, and the USB cable.

Now, I had upgraded to this bloody phone and received it on the 17th June, we were robbed on the 20/21st June. Meanwhile I had decided this phone was a bag of crap. It wouldn't hold any signal, I couldn't ring or text out and nobody could ring or text in. Whilst this could have saved a lot of money in phone bills, it did kind of negate the reason I have a mobile phone - ie my kids (and a whole host of related and friendly nutters) can contact me at any time.

I noticed the box missing as I went to try to parcel the phone up to return it (within the 14 days of receiving it) and getting a totally different model. No 'original packaging' so nothing to return phone in. No 'CD software' or 'USB cable' so nothing to load iTunes to the phone with. And no pigging headset to listen to the toons that I couldn't even get on the phone. So I couldn't even use the stupid bollocksy bastard thing as a glorified music machine.

I went to the O2 shop out of frustration. I was served by a very lovely sweet girl called Jess (in the O2 shop in Leeds) and she was so helpful. Anyway she said it was duff and to send it back and they would send me back a new handset. So I did. She also gave me a new manual, headset and software CD for free cos she's so very lovely.

Then I spent ages tracking down the final bits of the phone kit so that eventually I would be able to use it properly.

Well I had kept my insuarance company informed. I had told them the bits I need to buy for the phone were about £55 + vat, but with the free bits I got that ended up being reduced to around £40 + vat (cos I had to buy the CD to get the USB cable - or some other skank.)

By now I am around £750 out of pocket and losing the will to live. But I can't put my claim in until I have the invoice for the phone parts.

On Saturday I found these phone parts near the front door (which we don't use very often,) and the postie had obviously never bothered to knock cos there had been someone in for days. I ripped the parcel open for the invoice. There is none. Hello??? Aparently it will follow. But when? Grrrrrrr.

Then today I rang O2 to check that they had received the phone. Yes - ages ago. Had they sent me a new one. No - did I want one? Yes for-fuckety-fucks-sake please!

Did I want another Motorola V3 i? Did I have a choice? Well yes I did, so opted for a boring old Nokia again. Oooooh can't have that cos I've just upgraded to a Motorola V3 i. No, NO, NO. Give me a break.

Anyways, I am now getting a new Nokia 6131 for free (not for £90 like they tried to make me pay) and it should be here tomorrow. I have forked out £40 + vat for some Motorola bits that I can't use and can't claim for.

I'm really, really cheesed off at the moment so am going to have some wine.

I woz robbed - TWICE

2006-06-24T09:51:00.000+01:00

Daylight robbery #1 (It was probably light cos it was the longest day)

During Tuesday night we were broken into.

I noticed something untoward (great word) when Dandy's howling woke me up as the cats should have been locked in the kitchen. I came down into the kitchen and all the drawers were open. Nothing messy - well, no more than usual so I wouldn't really have been able to tell the difference if they'd emptied drawer contents all over the floor - and nothing obviously missing.

Apart from the back door lock.

Daylight robbery #2

Obviously we needed to get the back door to lock again so we called out a locksmith.

£701.95

Nuff said.

I've broken my liver

2006-06-20T14:23:00.000+01:00

Well I think I have, I'm tender just below my ribs on my right side. Soooooooo, I'm off the alcohol and on to the milk thistle to see if there is any improvement.

I have also started a diet.

So that's me at the moment.......

- no fags
- no alcohol
- no nice food

and still got hormonal little shit Theo and miserable old twat Jonathan to contend with.

Bummer.

Rather nice weather actually

2006-06-09T00:13:00.000+01:00

It was bloody boiling in France. I got all red and as I was on the cusp of going brown I thought we'd bring the weather back with us - only just fit in the boot.

Apart from the weather (being lovely) we had quite a good time and I actually drank LESS - not quite sure how that worked but would have liked to have brought that home with me.

So here I am, all summer stretching before me and I can only think of decorating and tidying the house to fill the time. Which to me sounds sooooo dull. I need rescuing.

Therefore, if anyone's in the West Yorkshire area and fancies buying me a coffee, do let me know.

It's raining, it's pouring

2006-05-26T10:23:00.000+01:00

and natch Jonathan is snoring, but the other unwritten rule when the weather is like this is that we will obviously be going camping in France.

Snorkel....... wetsuit....... Oooh la la.

We're doing it the soft way in a 'cottage-style' mobile home. (we used to call them a caravan when I was a kid) so we can look forward to what sounds like a million seagulls tap dancing on the roof and many a game of Go Fish.

At least the exams are over.

Oh yeah, it's my birthday.......

2006-05-18T12:57:00.000+01:00

Well not actually my birthday but just scored 2,149,636.

Exam's in 4 1/2 hours..........

Well done me

2006-05-17T14:53:00.000+01:00

I've just scored 1,824,679 on SpongeBob Collapse.

D'ya think this'll help when I do my exam tomorrow? Anyway I'm now 1 exam and 2 assessments down with 2 more exams to go.

Almost there.

Exam time

2006-05-13T15:48:00.000+01:00

Yes, it's that time again. First exam is Monday, then one on Thursday and last one on Monday 22nd. I have handed one piece of stuff in and have a 2000 word report to do for Friday.

So, of course, I'm spending every spare moment playing SpongeBob Collapse and I have just achieved my personal best of over 1.4 million.

Brilliant or what!

Vacant position

2006-04-30T00:39:00.000+01:00

Wanted, translator.

Must be able to translate grunts coming from 14 year old son in the vain hope that I may have some idea about what he wants/needs or whether he is expressing some worthy opinion (yeah, as if!!)

It's a bad BAD day

2006-04-27T00:17:00.000+01:00

now that Burley in Wharfedale has a bar that sells decent wine.

That'll be why me student grant disappears so goddamn quickly this next week (or two if I'm really lucky.)

So please call in at The Queens Head and say Kimberly sent you.

Great balls of melon

2006-04-23T16:17:00.000+01:00

Home again. Bummer. Mind you at least the weather has been very pleasant so far......while I've been working my way through the 9 washer-loads I've had to do. Hello! We were only away a week, and Theo only changed his undies twice, so where did all the clothes come from?

We had a very nice time in Sorrento. The hotel was very nice (Grand Hotel Aminta) and the staff were absolutely lovely, but it probably wasn't the best place to go with an 11 and 14 year old. They didn't have anything to do in the hotel and it was a (courtesy) bus ride out of town. With it being so early in the year the pool was freezing cold too, so they didn't do much swimming - shivering yes, swimming, no. Also I thought the menus in the hotel were a bit limited and too sophisticated for the kids. Chicken with melon? Not unpleasant at all but hot melon balls are not something I ever expected to eat.

Having said that, the weather was superb, 27C most days, so can't complain at that. Spent a fair amount of time sat in the bars on the square but did go to Pompeii. Isn't it BIG? And Positano - very pretty, but thank you God for the bus back up the hill. Yes, I definitely want to go to Italy again.

We did get caught out in the cigarette department. You can't buy them in the airport any more unless you're travelling outside the EC. Apparently it's a fairly recent thing. There were several quite upset people on the plane home.

So, all you filthy dirty smokers, remember to stock up in your resort...........

Any volunteers?

2006-04-08T09:53:00.000+01:00

I'm off to Italy next Friday for a week. Quite excited. Only ever been to Italy once before on a day trip to Venice.

But there will be a dark cloud on the horizon in the form of a report I have to write for May. I have 3 exams in May - don't mind exams at all, but really, really don't want to do this stupid report. Is there anyone would like to do it for me? I'm sure if it was an original piece of work it wouldn't be plaigarism, I'd just be sub-contracting.

I'm still not smoking, coming up for 8 months now. And how much bloody weight have I put on? Jonathan has piled weight on too. The doctors (3 different ones) have said its only to be expected cos your metabolism slows down but it will probably go again in 18 months or so. I truly don't think we are eating any more but we are drinking a hell of a lot more.

Too early for a sweet sherry?

Much better, thank you

2006-03-29T18:04:00.000+01:00

I've had that awful sickness bug. What a bundle of laughs that was - not. Amongst everything else, I've never had such painful kidneys. I had a pretty sleepless night (for obvious reasons) but seemed to completely lose a day - a bit like one of my Leeds-based, wine-fuelled sessions - have absolutely no idea where Monday went at all. Did I miss anything?

On the positive side, Jonathan had a glass of wine last night and the smell of it made me feel sick, and I was supposed to be much better at that point. Hopefully that effect will last, well, even for a week it would be a good thing.

On the negative side, I still can't stand the taste of coffee.

And I only lost 2 sodding pounds. I would have thought the sheer effort involved in schlepping to the bathroom would have worked off more than that.

Bummer.