Nightmare before Christmas

I have had enough of things going wrong. It must be my turn for something to go right.

Fuck up #1 - Jonathan was doing something in one of the drawers in the living room and he picked up a box that had printer ink in and noticed a bottle had split. So he carried the dripping bottle the length of the living room (22 feet), through the hall, through the kitchen, into the utility room and put it in the bin. Hall, kitchen and utility room have laminate floors so the bright blue ink did come off, but the living room has a pale carpet. He tried to get it out but there are still some visible splodges. I'll clean the carpet after the decorating is finished and pray they disappear. He also managed to get it on the walls and a lampshade. Why didn't he carry the whole drawer through the house with the leaky bottle inside? What a twat.

Fuck up #2 - Jonathan is decorating the living room. We had a dado rail up and now it has gone. He was doing so well, all the glossing done, ceiling emulsioned and then he started wallpapering the walls. Hmmm. The lines where the dado rail was are still visible. So he's going to take all the paper off he's already put up and skim these bloody train tracks with plaster. Guess the papering won't be done before Christmas now. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

Fuck up #3 - Jonathan isn't actually involved in this one! We hated the fire surround and went to buy a new one. We took full advice from the fireplace shop, cos, despite being very old people, we've never bought anything like this before. They said buying just the surround was fine, told us what we needed to measure and away we went. I drew an intricate diagram, did all my measurements in centimetres (with inches in brackets). Apparently the only important measurement is the rebate and ours was 2 centimetres. Fire surround delivered yesterday with a rebate of 2 inches. I am not a happy bunny. Jonathan is not a happy bunny. The people at the shop are not very helpful. Anyway, they're coming to collect it and check my measurements (its 2 bloody centimetres - even I can't get that too much wrong) but have now said that the smallest rebate they can do is 1 1/8". And we have to move the marble away from the wall and pack it behind - its very firmly attached to the wall (and moving the marble would impact on the fire and gas fitting, surely.) They said the surrounds were made to measure if my thingy was non-standard. I'm mighty confused but know one thing for sure, it won't be done before fucking Christmas.