Defrosting Granny

After waiting over 6 months for the coroner to finish with her, we've now got my 'dead-granny-in-a-freezer' back and can now have the funeral.

It's going to be a bit weird after all this time. It's turned into a bit of a macabre family joke. I mean, what is the correct form for this sort of thing?

She died, she was 97, things had been a bit rough for the poor old love since 'mad-poisoning-man' had his last crack at her and was arrested. We were all very upset, as you are, but relieved because of all the horrible stuff she'd been through in her last few months, as is understandable.

So we did our grieving, and then we waited. And then we waited a bit more. Then the cororner said 2 months. After 3 months, the coroner said 'it'll be a while yet'. And it was. He was trying to prove that the poisoning had contributed to her death, cos he and a colleague had come across 'mad-poisoning-man' before and they really wanted to do him for murder. But in the end he decided she died of pneumonia and old age.

Derrrrrrr, we could have told him that.

What we want to know is........
- when she was admitted to hospital because of the poisoning, for toxicology tests, 'they' said she was confused because she kept asking why she was in there when she wasn't ill. (I think that was a perfectly reasonable query, actually, because she wasn't ill).
- because she was confused (?) they sent her to another hospital for an assessment as to what sort of care she should have.
-while she was in hospital #2 she fell out of bed and broke her hip, they sent her back to hospital #1 for a hip replacement
- back in hospital #1 they said she was now infirm as well as confused (?), so had to go back to hospital #2 for another assessment
- fell again in hospital #2 and badly bruised nearly all of her and her head, back to hospital #1 for a scan
- eventually sent to the equivalent of a geriatric psychiatric home where she physically deteriorated in weeks
......... will this stress and suffering that 'mad-poisoning-man' put my poor old granny through ever be heard in court?

His trial has been adjourned, for the third time, I think. Her inquest has been adjourned. Its all a total balls up.

She could be a pain in the bum sometimes, but can't we all. My granny, and my grandad, spoilt me rotten when I was a kid. She was a whizz with a needle and made me the most wonderful fairy dress. She was the best cook in the world. I loved my granny.

Anyway, we've got her back. She's going to be cremated on Thursday. Are there instructions that say 'defrost thoroughly before cooking' or can we 'cook straight from the freezer'?

My family don't do anything normal, we can't even die properly.

Great works of fiction

I never had any aspirations to be a novelist. I'm pretty sure I don't have a book in me anywhere. I'm rather crap at English, and can barely string a sentence together.

However, week after week, I start on one of the greatest fictional works of the century, my timesheet.

Because we don't have official timesheet codes for blogging, eBay and chatting on IM I have to charge these to some poor unsuspecting client. Fortunately our clients tend to be huge german banks, so I really don't care.

Today my timesheet macros went a bit mad so I called over the bloke who wrote it, 'Huh, why do you bother? I only do mine every six months, I charge 40% of my time to general admin, and 60% to '********bank' and I've no idea what I've really done in that time apart from surfing the net for most of the day'. So its not just me here then?

Does anyone, anywhere fill these in accurately?

Cashback

I get some weird kind of thrill when I go to the supermarket with a few pence in my purse, get a load of shopping - and leave with cash.

I love the cashback thing. It's kind of spooky and whilst my sensible conscience tells me it is actually coming out of my account, for a little while it feels like someone is just giving me money.

I had an even better experience tonight.

I went to the local pub for quiz night. I took no purse, no money and I left with £15.00.

Excellent.

Wishful thinking

I took my last pill last night. Hurray. After years of necking back hormones, both to get me pregnant and to stop me getting pregnant, I want a few weeks/months/years off before I start on the old HRT.

Jonathan is having a vasectomy (is it supposed to be a secret?) in October (I want to watch, but that's a different story) and he said I needed to stay on the pill for another 3 months. I said he could use condoms.

Yesterday he went out and bought 1 x 24 pack, and 1 x 3 pack. He's either expecting a lot of damage getting them on, or he's indulging in a spot of wishful thinking.

It's enough to give me a headache...............

Artful dodger

Well, I've managed to get through another day without doing my sodding tax return.

Ho hum.

Stepford wife wannabee

I was getting in the car this morning and my nextdoor neighbour (retired) said something to the effect of it was ok for me going off to work etc etc, as though I was the lucky one, and I said to him, all I wanted to be once I had kids was a stay-at-home mum.

To say he looked shocked was an understatement, but not half as shocked as I was that he actually thought I wanted to go to work.

I work because I need the money. It's that simple.

I was 'trying' for a baby for 10 years and when it eventually happened I wanted to stay at home and enjoy my baby, and the one after that. But it was not to be. Ok, I guess we could downsize our life, which, in the grand scheme of things, is better than many, but not as good as some. But we made a conscious decision to live where we live, and took the consequences (me working) on the chin.

Yes, we have been on holiday this year, but my daughter was just short of 6 before we went abroad to stay with my mum and dad in their house in Florida (and they paid our airfares out of pity), and we have had more holidays in the last 3 years, than we have in the previous 20 years of our being married.

The guilt I feel as a working mum is enormous. Today my son was sent home ill from school. it should have been me that picked him up - but I was working. My daughter rings me up at work, and I get snappy with her, and tell her I am working when, in reality, I'd much prefer to chat to her about her day. I get home tired and cross, and everything is a chore to get sorted out ready for the next day. Weekends are spent trying to keep on top of the washing, trying to spend some time with the kids, trying to be the adoring wife and its no fun at all.

On top of all this, I hate my bloody job. I'm rarely envious, but one thing I do envy is people who love their work. It would make the rest a lot easier to get through, I'm sure.

I know there are many other people in exactly the same position as me, and I'm not saying I'm a special case at all. I just can't understand where my neighbour got this perculiar notion that I'm some sort of career woman (no disrespect to those who are) who loves going to work. My mother-in-law seemed to think this was the case too (which was funny cos she knew how little my husband earned)

I want to be able to afford to stay at home, with a similar standard of living to what I have managed to achieve. I want to pick my kids up from school, although they're a bit old for that now, I want to make up for the years they had to go to after school clubs. I want to make them a delicious, tasty evening meal. I want to spend weekends enjoying my kids. I want to volunteer to go on school trips. I want to be able to pick them up from school when they are ill, or not force them to school when I know they're really not well, but I've nowhere else to send them.

So I'm greedy and I want a lot. I know it isn't going to happen but at least I can daydream about it.

A very happy bunny indeed

I bought new jeans this lunchtime. I had to buy a smaller size than my last jeans. Woo hoo.

I'm very pleased with myself. Only another 'x' stone to go................

(where x= a very small number)

My web bog

Today I bought my 4th toilet seat this year. I think it's actually 4 in 5-6 months, but the kids are arguing this point (of course). Still 4 toilet seats in 9 and a bit months is a quite a lot for your average family.

This isn't the main reason for my blog. Oh no sireee.

The seat to be replaced had completely broken. The bit you sit on was propped up against the wall. But the useless bit - the lid that no-one in my family ever puts down - was more than firmly attached. This was probably because it was a quality toilet seat. I think it was the 'most-expensive-seat-in-the-history-of-christandom', but I digress. Jonathan had to remove it with a hacksaw, or smash the toilet (and then that would have made it one hellish expensive bog seat).

So, he did this, fitted the new, cheap, one and then announced that he had cleaned the loo and the floor.

Hmmmph.

Obviously 'clean' means something different on Planet Jonathan. I took one look and armed with an industrial size bottle of Flash (with bleach) and a full kitchen towel roll, I cleaned the toilet. And the floor. Apart from finding about 500gms of rust (obviously from the old toilet seat) I found a button, two pebbles and a minging old sticking plaster. The whole bloody room measures no more than 5'6"x2'6". So what exactly was he cleaning?

I admit to being pretty slovenly when it comes to housework, cos I simply know I was intended for better things, but when I say I've cleaned something, well, I have actually done it.

I really, really need a (decent and competent) wife. Any volunteers?

The bitch is leaving us

For the last week and a bit we have been looking after my sister's dog.

I don't know whether we'd volunteer to have her again. We have 3 cats and had only managed one night at home after our extended holiday before Maddy arrived. The cats had barely forgiven us for buggering off when we welcomed this large brown thing into their home that barked and chased them at the slightest hint of them trying to get in the house.

Maddy is a lovely dog, she really is. And she settled in pretty well considering we see her about 2 days a year. The kids love her to bits and spoilt her rotten. Even one of the cats was sat with his nose right up to her purring like mad this evening.

Then, on Wednesday, as it always seems to in these circumstances (well, it does for us anyway) she started yelping and limping. This rapidly deteriorated into her not being able to walk at all. Of course my sister wasn't answering her mobile, and after consulting her friend who usually Maddy-sits we rang the vet.

An overnight stay, various drugs, an anaesthetic and 2 x-rays later. Jonathan stumped up £200 and brought her home.

She has arthritis in both hips and some sort of disease to do with sheep, and something else, I think. The vet thinks she has had arthritis since she was born. So why, after 8 years, does it start to bother her in the one week we look after her. He even said she'd had the sheep disease for a 'very long time'. Sodding typical.

My sister is picking her up tomorrow, by October the other 2 cats might just have forgiven us. Meanwhile, we will miss her like crazy, but I am not going to give in to the pleadings for a dog of our own cos I wouldn't want to inflict the worry of looking after it on anyone else.

(Bloody hell, Jonathan's back from the pub. Is he not well?)

I think it's broken

My mind has stopped working, I can't think of anything to write about, or maybe my life is so dull that there's nothing worth mentioning, or maybe I really have got to that age were I can only talk about illness or bowel movements - and I have nothing to report on either front.

I'll take this opportunity to say a belated 'Happy Birthday' to Paul who complained that he hadn't had a mention for a while. Yoo hoo, Paul, see, I do listen to you (sometimes). I'll try to whip up the energy to get drunk with you tomorrow night.

Controversial decision

This weekend I made a controversial decision. I decided to let my 12 year old son smoke at home. There are many reasons I have done this, here are a few.

1) We knew he was smoking, but he was telling us he wasn't, although he knew we knew. I would prefer to remove this necessity for him to lie to us.

2) He was spending every possible minute hanging around the park with some decidedly dodgy characters, so that he could smoke. I don't want him to spend every spare minute like this and I really wanted to get him away from the majority of these kids.

3) He was asking strangers outside the local shop to buy cigarettes for him. I don't think this is fair to these strangers, and it could also provide any passing paedophile with an opportunity to lure him away with the promise of fags.

4) He had stolen cigarettes from us in the past. I want to know what he is smoking and that he is paying for his own.

4) He was getting bad-tempered and agressive with us all when he was getting agitated about getting out of the house for a fag.

5) We live in a small village where everyone knows everyone else's business. This is between him and us, and sod all to do with the local busybodies.

6) I didn't want him smoking in front of younger kids who might see it as a cool thing to be doing.

7) I didn't want him smoking in front of older kids who might bully him into giving them cigarettes.

8) I don't want him hanging around with the park smoking club when they decided tobacco is not quite giving them enough, and maybe they should try something else..........

There are some other reasons too, but those are the main ones. I have told him I do NOT approve of him smoking, and I think he is foolish to have started because it is so bad for your health - and you bank balance. I have told him my reasons for letting him smoke at home.

The rules I have laid down are fairy simple. If his sister is about he smokes in the garden or garage, out of sight. He keeps his cigarettes and lighter in the house. His friends are NOT allowed to smoke at our house. He only asks his dad or I to get cigarettes for him - and he gives us the money.

I'm still torn up inside about the whole thing. I really, really, really don't want him to smoke, but he does, and because of that I want to try to keep some control over it.

Yesterday he was the most pleasant and helpful he has been for months. He was at home most of the day. He was nice to his sister. He apologised for lying and being deceitful about the whole smoking thing.

I want my kids to feel they can come to us about anything. I know they will make some choices that we will most certainly not approve of. And before you say anything I know that at 12 he is still a child and can't be trusted to make sensible decisions. But I truly can't think of anything to stop him smoking. Grounding him, stopping his allowance etc etc has not worked, and I want to be able to keep an eye on him cos he's still my baby and I love him.

Happy birthday to me.......

I look a hundred and three,
I'll soon be incontinent
And stinking of pee.

46, for fuck's sake - aaaargh

Lost my cherry

Some of the things I did for the first time ever whilst on holiday:

1) Used a newspaper vending machine. Seen it so many times on the movies, I was really, sadly, excited by this.

2) Went on an air boat. Didn't see any alligators but it was great fun and very, very noisy even with the ear protectors on.

3) Went skinny dipping. First time I got in the pool with my knickers on, but then took them off and after that there was no stopping me. It's been a long time since my boobs have been that perky without the magnificent engineering feat that is a WonderBra. I would just like to add that I only did this after dark with the pool light off. One night whilst floating on my back a shooting star shot by. Cool.

4) Had a Krispy Kreme doughnut (donut?) and it was pretty damned good.

5) Had to deal with head lice. Long haired son managed to acquire them. The rest of us remained unaffected. I'm pretty sure he got them on the plane because he had been grounded for so long before we went away that he hadn't been in contact with anyone outside the family for about 4 weeks prior to scratching.

6) Did the old hurricane thing (see previous blog)

7) Got something for nothing. I usually get charged more than everyone else seems to, but the extra 3 days we had to stay cost us nothing at all. We were staying in my mum's house (available for rent if anyone's interested......) so that cost zip. The car hire bods at Dollar had waived all extra days charges, and at the UK end they didn't charge extra for the car park either. And, the nice toll road people also waived toll charges because of the hurricane.

8) Tried grits. Tasted like school semolina pudding to me and would have been ok with a large blob of jam but they were served with steak which was a bit too freaky for my taste buds.

I just blew in from the windy city

.....except it wasn't Chicago.

I must say I never thought I'd experience a hurricane, and now I have, well, it just wasn't what I was expecting at all. It wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. (Sincere apologies to anyone who has suffered in a hurricane)

In the middle of it I let my kids go swimming in the pool, it was raining, admittedly, but then they were going to get wet anyway. There was no lightening, there was no debris flying around and I watched them all the time. Even stood at the side of the pool my hair wasn't even getting a little bit tousled from the wind. It was very weird.

The wind didn't seem to reach the ground so we could stand around smoking (even ligthing our fags outside) without the wind in our hair whilst watching a palm tree in next door's garden bend double.

I blame the movies. I was expecting something akin to 'Twister' without the spiralling funnel of wind, and it simply wasn't like that at all. The destruction wasn't as much as I expected either, but then as HurricaneFrances followed hot on the heels of Charley I think all the roofs that were going to blow off and all the trees that were going to be up-rooted happened during Charley.

When the power resumed (after 36 hours, and I know we were extremely lucky to get it back so quickly, many thanks KUA!) the news on TV that we were then on Tornado Warning just ended up making me laugh cos it was all so surreal.

Anyway, we're back, safe and sound and I hope anyone facing Ivan has the same experience we had, which boiled down to being stuck in the house and a bit bored in the dark, and that is better than death and destruction.

Watch out for lots of boring news from my holidays to follow ...........