Spitting feathers

I'm so angry, no, I'm so fucking angry, with the local sodding police. They are arseholes. They prove themselves to be arseholes again and again and again.

I really did try to get my kids to respect the law and the police. And what for? So the police can prove to my kids that the coppers are thick, stupid numpties and lying twats?

Beam me up - please!

Fully functioning, almost

Arm's better and almost perfect. Turning a key is still painful, but I am doing my best to minimise the number of times I have to do that.

Apropos nothing, I put in an insurance claim for my hurricane holiday. I've never claimed on this (or any) travel insurance before, and I've been with this company for 3 years. £350 became £110 after they deducted £60 PER PERSON excess. That just about covers the phone calls I had to make regarding our delay to schools, work, airline, car hire, airport etc. So, I estimate this holiday we are out of pocket an additional and unexpected £600+ and we didn't have to pay any extra accommodation, car hire, or UK parking.

What a bloody rip off.

Repetitve Strain Injury

I work in IT and have my right hand clamped to a mouse most of the day (well surfing t'internet and eBay requires a lot of clicks) - for the rest of the day its clamped to a cigarette with the occasional break to hold a coffee cup or alcoholic beverage.

So I have a very busy right arm.

This morning I woke up and my right arm was in agony, and still is. I can't straighten it or bend it without shooting pains, it's really horrible and inconvenient, especially as I was going to thrill you all with tales of my weekend, but you'll have to wait.

I think I know what caused it, Jonathan's drunken snoring was driving me insane - even though I had earplugs in - and I spent all night punching, poking, proding and nipping him with my right arm.

Do you think I have a case for a compensation claim against him for my RSI?

Mother's pride

On Tuesday Theo brought his friend-who-is-a-girl home from school. At some point Jonathan overheard Jaz begging Theo to go to the school disco which was last night. But he refused point blank. Then Jonathan had a go at him about going, which made Theo dig his heels in even further. He had apparently also refused to go to 4 discos last year which we knew nothing about.

(This may seem strange but we really wanted Theo to go because we both went to schools were we lived nowhere near our school friends and there was no opportunity to socialise with them, When considering our kids schooling this was one of the major issues we had, that they would live in the area where they went to school, near their school friends.)

I didn't know any of this until yesterday lunch time. I bet Jonathan I could get him to go willingly. Jonathan didn't seem too convinced, but I knew I'd manage it. I started my campaign with a text message to which I receievd the reply 'not gonna go'. So I sent him a huge text telling him how important it was to mix socially with his school friends, how they would stop inviting him along, eventually, if he constantly turned them down etc etc.... 'leave me alone'. Ok.

When he came home from school I continued on the same tack, and, like a salesman who truly believes in his product, I repeated my sales pitch about socialising, being known as someone who didn't join in etc etc and finished with 'by the time they're all off to the pub, your name won't even be mentioned when the 'gang' are organising a night out'.

'Ok, if it'll shut you up I'll go'

I pointed out that I wasn't forcing him to go, but, although it might well be crap, if you go with the right attitude you will virtually always find something to enjoy, I thought he would enjoy it, but if the worst came to the worst and it was unbearably awful all he had to do was ring me and I'd pick him up.

Well, it was like someone had flicked a switch. He (sweetly) asked if his new jeans were washed, he disappeared into the bathroom for ages and re-appeared looking fabulous and smelling great - hell he'd even cleaned his teeth - and my Cinderella was ready for the ball.

When I dropped him off all he said was 'fuck - look how many are going' . And being the good mum that I am (when the mood takes me) I didn't kiss or lick him, I discreetly squeezed his hand and wished him a great time.

I was 20 minutes early to collect him, so he could find me easily, he piled into the car and told me what a fabulous time he had had and how he couldn't wait for the next one. Then he just said 'Thanks mum'

I squeezed his hand again, then looked away as I drove off so he couldn't see his silly old mum crying.

Bitch

The other side of the stairwell to where I work is the office for another company.

One very recent lunchtime I was returning to work with some new clothes and arrived at the door the same time as 'J' who works for the other company.

'J' - Been treating yourself, have you?

'Me' (feeling justifiably proud) - Yes, I've had to get some new jeans and some trousers because all my others were falling off me.

'J' (winking) - Why? Are the sizes more generous these days?

'Me' (rather cross) - No, actually I've lost over 2 stone and dropped 2 dress sizes

'J' (incredulously) - Have you really?

'Me' - Yes, can't you tell? And its all fallen off me and lodged itself on your big fat arse

Bitch!

Made my day

I was so happy today. After looking at the holiday planner thing I realised that at Christmas I can.....

have 5 days off (hurray)

work 2 days (boo)

have 5 days off (hurray)

work 2 days (boo)

have 2 days off (hurray)

.....and all for the price of one days annual leave.

Bargain!

Bollocks

.....are much improved.

However, I think they should still be rested for a few more weeks yet - just to make sure ;-)

Moaning old bag

I don't work on Wednesday usually, and I wasn't working yesterday. Jonathan and I try to do the 'quality time' thing (after my sleep-in and before the kids are back from school,) and we often go out for lunch.

Anyway, yesterday I dragged him to look at fireplaces and we ended up going to this bar called Cellar V (groan) which promised excellent 'cuisine'.

Jonathan ordered a toasted bacon and brie club sandwich and I ordered a chicken caesar salad. The service was pretty fast, and the waitress wasn't unpleasant (she wasn't exactly pleasant either).

When the food arrived, Jonathan's sandwich looked rather nice, and he really enjoyed it. My salad looked rather nice too, however it looked nothing like a caesar salad. It tasted nothing like a caesar salad either. I did point this out to the waitress (nicely) and she said it was definitely a caesar salad and 'very popular' too.

The salad had a few salad leaves - none of them coming from a cos/romaine lettuce. It had a lot of grated carrot (yuk) and celery (double yuk). It had a fair amount of chopped red and green peppers. It had slices of cucumber and tomato. It had cooked cherry tomatoes and fried onions (I was really confused at this point) and the hot chicken was smothered in herbs and almost a layer of gravy. Oh, and there was no caesar dressing on either. However it did have 4 thin slices of rock hard french bread which I think were the croutons.

What I wanted was lots of fresh, crispy cos/romaine lettuce, a fair portion of parmesan cheese, a couple of anchovy fillets, some plain (preferrably cold) chicken and caesar salad dressing. Something fresh and crispy and light and delicious.

If the salad I got had been advertised as a hot chicken salad, and I had decided that was what I fancied, then I probably would have been quite happy with it (apart from the celery and carrots obviously)

I thought a 'caesar salad' was one of those universal dishes where you know what to expect. I thought I was on safe ground. It's one of my favourite meals (usually).

Now I am going to feel obliged to double check and ask what is in the 'caesar salad' next time I want to order one and then some miserable waitress will look down her nose as though I'm stupid and have never heard of one before.

It really upset my equilibrium.

5 pence piece

I would have been happy to stick to condoms (less mess after all) but oh, tragedy of tragedies, 'we' now have bruising to whinge and moan about.

"Let's have a look then" I said to Jonathan, thinking that black and blue testicles might be quite amusing. After several minutes of trying to get the lighting right I saw one bruise no bigger than a 5p piece.

All sympathied out

How long is this going to go on for? I mean, I've had shaving nicks bigger than Jonathan's incisions.

He should try having a couple of caesarian sections, plus countless other 'women's things' ops and investigations.

He's still complaining about his testicles aching and has been in bed all day. He is such a wimp

Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest....

This may be an oldie, but its good to be reminded......

Health & Fitness
The Facts:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans .... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember.......

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO!"

Stupid idea

What seemed like a good idea has turned out to be a really stupid idea.

Never, ever attempt to send glass bottles and jars to Belgium unless you are as rich as Donald Trump.

£22.00+ AND a 6 page customs declaration.

Sod it. I brought the parcel home, I shall rethink and send smaller parcels!

(Can I decant the HP sauce into a plastic bag?)

Ouch

Jonathan is suffering - result!

(Although I wasn't allowed to watch)

Snip, snip

Ha, ha, ha.

Jonathan's off for his vasectomy tomorrow. I want to watch.

Farewell little visitors

I hope.

Theo's had bloody nits again. I've nuked them with stuff that smells so foul its nearly killed all of us so I'm hoping the little blighters get the message.

Next time I'm following Paul's advice and setting fire to his hair.

5 things

5 things I really like to eat (if I'm not dieting)
1) Chicken caesar salad
2) Bacon
3) Deep fried chilli beef with fried rice (but I haven't had it for 6+ months)
4) Blueberries
5) Pizza with parma ham and artichoke hearts

5 things I really like to drink (if I'm not dieting)
1) Coffee
2) Pouilly Fume
3) Stella Artois
4) Lipton ice tea
5) Milk

5 films I can watch over and over again
1) Cabaret
2) Dr Zhivago
3) Dirty Dancing
4) The Shawshank Redemption
5) Rocky IV

5 songs that cheer me up
1) You see the trouble with me - Black Legend
2) Steppin' Out - Joe Jackson
3) Take on me - A-Ha
4) Love me two times - The Doors
5) Poison - Alice Cooper

5 people I like to spend time with (excluding husband and kids) in alphabetical order
1) Anthony
2) Charlotte
3) My dad
4) Paul H
5) Paul K


5 things I can never have enough of
1) Handbags
2) Shoes/Boots
3) Diamonds (well I can dream, can't I?)
4) Denim skirts
5) Toilet rolls (I think I have a problem here)

5 things that can keep me amused for hours
1) Plucking out superfluous hair with tweezers (I can do this ALL day, its so relaxing)
2) Lying in bed - alone
3) Playing scrabble
4) QVC (in a car-crash-fascination type of way)
5) Reading blogs

5 things I would really like (if money was no object etc)
1) A loft conversion
2) Extensive plastic surgery
3) A pair of Jimmy Choo shoes
4) Fitted wardrobes in all the bedrooms
5) A trip to New York, WITH a babysitter to amuse the kids while I do grown-up things

On a lighter note.....

I won another fiver last night.

Woo hoo.

Ashes to ashes

It was very sad at my gran's funeral.

We said goodbye, we cried.

And then we got very angry, because apparently 'they' are thinking of dropping the case against 'mad-poisoning-man' because he is so old. Nothing to do with lack of evidence.

This man is still living in the sheltered housing where he poisoned my gran. The warden says he had done it before, and is pretty sure he'll still be doing it. They don't want him there poisoning other vulnerable old ladies any more.

For my own part, I appreciate, if he is found guilty, that any punishment should take account of his age, and a custodial sentence is probably inappropriate. But I think he should be tried, I really do.

So now we have to decide, if the police drop their case, do we take out a civil action? It distressing for us all, especially my dad who wants to do right by his mum.

Bollocks